We’re not sure what it is, but there seems to be something about a baby belly that makes people lose their fucking minds and forget the basic rules of human interaction. Our guess/hope is that people are totally unaware that they’re colouring way outside the lines of normal social boundaries, so we came up with a few friendly tips on what NOT to do/say to a preggo.

1. Tell her she’s glowing, tell her she looks amazing, tell her she’s “all belly”… but (and here’s where it gets tricky) DO NOT COMMENT ON BELLY SIZE. If you say, “wow you look so small for 25 weeks,” she’ll automatically go into worry mode and start freaking out that she’s malnourished her baby. Before you go the opposite route and say, “25 weeks? Holy shit – you sure you’re not having twins?” please remember that she gets weighed every week by her OBGYN and is well aware of every pound she has gained. She does not need to hear that you think she looks as huge as she feels.

2. Keep your mouth shut about the “safety” of the food she’s eating. The reality is that there is some level of risk involved with eating/drinking/doing ANYTHING (pregnant or not) and each woman has to weigh the benefits/consequences and decide what’s right for HER. So if you see a preggo shove a massive piece of brie in her mouth, we recommend that you simply assume that she’s done her research, spoken to her doctor, and decided that the deliciousness of brie > the risk of contracting listeria from it. The same goes for if you see her take a sip of red wine, order her steak medium or drink non-pasteurized fruit juice – yum!

3. Why people like to scare the shit out of pregnant women by sharing with them their friend’s friend’s labour story from hell is totally beyond us. What about the sisterhood? WHAT ABOUT GIRL POWER?? Please feel free to tell her about your neighbour who sneezed and her baby popped out, but your 36 hours of agony stories can/should be kept to yourself unless specifically asked about.

4. Don’t tell her to “just wait” until her kid turns into the little monster that is YOUR child. Does she say mean things to you for no reason? It probably took her a really long time to convince herself that her kid will never be anything like your kid and now you’re ruining that for her. Of course, somewhere deep inside, she knows that one day her perfect baby will turn 2 and all hell will break loose but for now, let her fantasize about a sweet little angel… at least while it’s still in utero!

5. Before you spontaneously touch a pregnant woman’s belly, ask yourself if you would be comfortable with her spontaneously touching yours. If you are lovers, family, or close friends, the answer is likely yes, so feel free to go in for the rub. If you are co-workers, acquaintances, or worst of all, the always dreaded total strangers, maybe (and by maybe we mean definitely) you should consider asking first or just scrapping the idea all together.

6. Once a woman has reached the end of her pregnancy, you probably don’t need to say things like “Still no baby?” No, babe. Still no baby. And trust us, she is far more aware of the fact that there is STILL no baby than you are since SHE is the one who is at full capacity and completely uncomfortable. Why don’t you just sit back, relax and wait for baby’s first Instagram pic?

The best thing you can possibly do is to continue to act as normal as possible toward your pregnant homegirls. Remind them with your R-rated jokes and fun party invitations (whether they accept or not) that they are still their old selves and give them some hope that becoming parents will just be an awesome step in their continued evolution. It’s scary enough knowing that they’re fated to become SOMEBODY’S MOTHER – they don’t need your social ineptitude freaking them out too.

*Most honest maternity photos of life via VICE MAGAZINE.