Babies make people crazy.  I’m serious.  From the moment a woman goes public with the news of her pregnancy, people’s eyes glaze over and etiquette seems to go straight out the window.  Out of their mouths flies shit that is more often than not a mixture of bizarre, unnecessary, untrue, inappropriate, and entirely cliché.  So far, I have survived 2 years of this avalanche of gaucherie disguised as well-wishings/sound advice and I, for one, am pretty fucking over it.  I have a theory, though: Any person who has lived through child rearing themselves has been on the receiving end of the same old bullshit questions and comments so many friggin’ times, that they’ve become engrained in their brains as normal rhetoric, and thus, they re-emerge at the first sight of a baby bump/ a newborn/ a toddler/ a preschooler/ any young child.

People will say weird shit to you; it’s an unfortunate truth for all of those who have (or are expecting) kids.  And since there isn’t much that can be done about that, I think we should start having a bit more fun with our responses… because when better to throw in a dash of sass than after a few back-to-back sleepless nights, #amirite?  Since sassy is my middle name (well, it isn’t technically, but I do kinda wish it was), I’ve concocted a few sample responses for you to build upon when you find yourself face to face with the following inevitable comments and questions:

“You’re pregnant? I didn’t know you guys were trying!”

We weren’t. It was a runaway sperm.

“Are you going to find out the sex?”

I know all about the sex… How do you think I wound up in this position in the first place?

“You’re only 5 months along? Are you sure there’s only one baby in there?”

Oh there’s 2: one human, and one made entirely of cheese cake.

To a 41-week-pregnant woman: “Still no baby??”

No. And may I just say that your observation skills are a solid 10 out of 10.

“Enjoy every precious moment of your newborn.”

I’m sorry I fell asleep for a second there; what was that?

“Is she sleeping through the night yet?”

I’m sorry, I fell asleep for a second there; what was that?

“So are you just loving being a mom?”

I’d love it more if my nipples weren’t on fire.

“Toddlers… That is such a fun stage!”

Yep; continually trying to stop my kid from killing himself in the most creative of ways is a blast.

“Are you guys thinking about number two?”

If you encountered the amount of “number two” that I do on a daily basis, you wouldn’t bother asking that question.

“Who do you think he looks like?”

He looks like his real father… *JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!*

“Don’t worry; it’s just a phase… try to enjoy it!”

Thanks for the great advice. Hey could you give me a hand? I can’t reach the bite marks on my back to apply Polysporin. You’re right; this IS fun!

“She’s going to daycare? Aren’t you going to miss her?”

Are you kidding? I get to pee alone now!

“You have kids? You don’t look like you have kids!”

*ok, although this one is kind of insulting to women in general (suggesting that once we have a child, our body falls to shit and we stop taking pride in our appearance) if someone says this to you, give them a hug and share your bottle of wine with them because compliments are nice, even if they are ass backward.*

As I’ve stated before, it seems that these ridiculous questions/comments (and a whole slew of equally annoying others) tend to be cycled and then recycled through generations of new and expectant parents. But guess what? It doesn’t have to be this way!  We could see a pregnant person and rather than play 20 questions, we could just tell her that she looks fabulous and that we hope she’s feeling great and move the fuck on.  We could see a mother with a newborn and merely say something along the lines of, “There’s nothing quite like that newborn smell is there? He’s lovely. Congratulations.”  Clearly, we have the power to make our own conscious decisions about the language we employ when speaking to new mamas (and papas); however, there’s very little we can do when we’re on the other side of the conversation, so we may as well have a nice little chuckle and hope that the absurdity of our retorts help to prevent people from asking the parents of one-month-olds whether or not they’re sleeping through the night… ‘cuz that shit’s just mean.  

*featured image via instagram @apphia___