I’m not really the New Year’s Resolutions type of girl (surprise, surprise). I’m generally satisfied with my level of healthiness, I already quit all my favourite vices in 2015 (thanks, fetus), and I’m perpetually mystified by the people who actually have the time to take up a new hobby.

But I get it.

The New Year appears as a clean new slate, so naturally, before it arrives, we like to imagine the story that’s about to unfold and set a few motivational goals that we believe will improve our quality of life as we climb aboard for another trip around the sun.

But I’m a realist, folks. I know that most of the goals people set are nothing more than pipe dreams of increased productivity and more frequent trips to Goodlife Fitness; but what I want to know is, who would ever want to set a goal they know they have no real chance in hell of actually achieving? Not this mama!

So I figured, why not jot down a list of feasible tweaks and changes that I can actually implement to make my life even more awesome? I’m sharing them with you, my fellow rebels, because I’m willing to bet that you were considering introducing some real-ass resolutions into your life as well.

The Rebel Mama Resolutions

  1. I will actually wash out containers before throwing them in the recycling bin (including peanut butter and Nutella jars… fml).
  2. I will stop drinking when I feel weak in the knees instead of when I feel like I need to go to bed.
  3. I will accept at least one “no kids allowed” social invitation per month.
  4. I will not raise my voice to my children; instead I will speak to them sternly through clenched teeth (especially when one of them is sleeping).
  5. I will say “no” more often (I think my 2-year-old might really be onto something with that).
  6. I will start taking extended, iPhone accompanying, unexplained trips to the bathroom (I think Dads are really onto something with that).
  7. I will not judge another person’s parenting decisions (out loud).
  8. I will discover a new favourite bottle of red. *suggestions welcome*
  9. I will not beat myself up over dirty dishes in the sink if they have been there for less than 36 hours.
  10. I will accept help whenever it’s offered. (And maybe even ask for some too.)
  11. I will eat chocolate every second day rather than every single day.
  12. I will not let my hair go a full week without being washed… 6 days maximum.
  13. I will travel at least once without the kids.
  14. I will get fresh air every day, unless there’s a cold weather warning, in which case, fuck that.
  15. I will not beat myself up when I open the washing machine and find wet, mildewy laundry that never made it into the dryer.
  16. I will listen to my instincts and stay far away from (read: unfollow) people who change their Facebook status to “Done with negativity” or “New Year, New Me” on December 31.

See, that’s not so bad, right? 16 actually do-able things to do in 2016. The silver lining? If I mess up on a few of them, I’ll just throw them on the list of 17 things to do in 2017 (and be glad I didn’t think of this cute little numerics theme when I was setting goals back in 1999). Now go have a stiff drink on my behalf, you deserve it (just don’t tell me about it).