Becoming a parent will inevitably bring about a plethora of fascinating changes to the way you interact with the world around you. You’ll be more patient, more understanding, more empathetic, and you may also find that you’ll develop a deep hatred for people to whom you had never previously given any thought whatsoever. Here are a few of those assholes – I mean people.
1. People who butt out cigarettes in parks
You know who loves picking up stuff the size of cigarette butts? TODDLERS. You know who puts everything they pick up in their mouths? TODDLERS.
2. People who litter water bottles in parks
These also go straight from the ground into toddler mouths, because unlike us, they see a discarded water bottle and think, “Yay! Water!”, not, “Ew! Herpes!”
3. People who put their garbage cans in the middle of the sidewalk on garbage day
Thanks bro; there’s nothing I love more than having to haul my stroller onto the street to get around your trash bin. How about putting it at the end of your walkway next time?
4. People with stairs to their establishment
I want your coffee/ your cute accessories/ your cool furniture, I really really do… But I don’t want it bad enough to drag my stroller up your stupid, annoying steps… Sorry; it’s just not worth throwing my back out over.
5. People who set off fireworks after 8pm on stat holidays
Fuck you, people. You send my mom instincts into a tizzy because I immediately assume my house is under attack. Once I figure out it’s just fire works, I spend the entire duration of your pyromaniacal fun praying the POW POW POW doesn’t wake my sleeping baby and through off our oh-so-important schedule.
6. Mid-day delivery men
Why must you knock SO loud? Do you think my modest row house is secretly a mansion? It’s basically one big room – knock gently. I promise, I will fucking hear you.
7. Evening solicitors
I am not joining the church, I don’t need you to check my furnace, I’m not interested in your chocolate covered almonds, I cannot understand why you are banging on my door at 9pm. Go home.
8. People who don’t give their seat on public transit to pregnant women
Don’t pretend you don’t see that poor lady with her swollen belly, holding her lower back. Her pelvis probably feels like it’s about to implode and her equilibrium is totally fucked due to the giant ball of baby attached to the front of her… But yeah dude, don’t bother getting up.
9. People who make plans to come over and show up late
You ask me what time works for me… I say noon… At noon the baby is up and the house is clean…You show up at 2… And now the baby is fast asleep, there is Tupperware strewn about, there’s yoghurt on the dog and you arrive surprised at the lack of scones and coffee.
10. People who wear pungent fragrances
Yeah you, old lady wearing Elizabeth Taylor ‘White Diamonds’. Thanks to you I have to hose my kid down because you hugged him and now he’s making me gag.
If you are one of the aforementioned people, please know that my parental hatred for you is purely circumstantial. It’s not you; it’s me… Actually, no… Scratch that… it’s totally you.
So who drives YOU crazy now that you are a parent? Feel free to continue the list in the comments!
Originally published August, 2015.