REBEL MAMA RESUMÉ

OBJECTIVE: To keep everyone happy and fucking quiet SKILLS: Diplomacy. All of the diplomacy. FLUENT IN MULTIPLE LANGUAGES INCLUDING GRUMBLING & “NINJA ALIEN” LEVEL 10 MULTITASKING & PROBLEM SOLVING. HARD CORE EFFICIENCY. HIGH TOLERANCE FOR: EXCRUCIATING SCREAMS, PROLONGED TORTURE-LEVEL WHINING, AND SMALL-TOY INJURIES. Able to locate good wine (and a sativa pen) in a hurry….

REGRETTING YOUR KIDS

It’s a hot topic these days with equal parts excitement that someone finally said something about this ultimate-taboo subject and (of course) mommy-shaming for daring to mention publicly, dare I even write it, regretting having your children. So, I’m here to bare all and fess up that I have regretted having my daughter for the last year…

SLEEP TRAINING BULLSHIT

BY: KRISTAN MARQUES This sleep schedule shit is ridiculous and Google is the devil.  There, I said it. I am sitting here, timing the length of nap #2, “the most important nap of the day” – supposedly.  How long should this nap be again? One site says 2.5 hours, another says 1.5 hours. But baby…

WE CAME. WE SAW. WE HUNG.

In case the sight of little green buds on the trees and the sensation of constantly having to sneeze didn’t serve as enough of a reminder – SPRING IS HERE! And with spring comes one very special thing: HIGHCHAIR HANGOUTS AT THE DRAKE HOTEL, BABY! So many new mamas to meet and babies to hold…

PHASE PHASE PHASE PHASE PHASE.

Phase phase phase phase phase More Advil please and Phase phase phase phase phase I wanna die and Phase phase phase phase phase Girl, when you gonna Learn learn learn learn learn This kid will make you Work work work work work He’s being such a Jerk jerk jerk jerk jerk Why can’t I desert him No time for utter bullshit Acting like he’s hurting You know…