REBEL MAMA RESUMÉ

OBJECTIVE: To keep everyone happy and fucking quiet SKILLS: Diplomacy. All of the diplomacy. FLUENT IN MULTIPLE LANGUAGES INCLUDING GRUMBLING & “NINJA ALIEN” LEVEL 10 MULTITASKING & PROBLEM SOLVING. HARD CORE EFFICIENCY. HIGH TOLERANCE FOR: EXCRUCIATING SCREAMS, PROLONGED TORTURE-LEVEL WHINING, AND SMALL-TOY INJURIES. Able to locate good wine (and a sativa pen) in a hurry….

MOM BRAIN

Oh, you didn’t know it was a scientific term? Well, it isn’t. BUT IT SHOULD BE. As you may already know (or will shortly find out), you don’t only lose your marbles while pregnant… as it turns out, even years after bringing baby into the world, you still somehow manage to forget where you left…

HUNGOVER PARENTING

When you finally make it out of the house for (some strange version of) a night of good old-fashioned debauchery (Woo! MOMS NIGHT OUT), you’ll mostly likely have the best time ever. What follows though, may easily be the worst 24 hours of your adult life… Your baby will most definitely wake earlier than usual…

FAT MOM

I have this distinct memory of my mother putting on pantyhose. It wasn’t like the women in the movies; slow, smooth and sensual. It was awkward and cumbersome. She would sit on the bed, with one thigh on the mattress, supporting her weight as she wrangled her other leg into a scrunched up elastic foot,…

THE SINGLE MOM YOU THINK YOU KNOW

(SUBMITTED ANONYMOUSLY. APPRECIATED IMMENSELY. ) * I’m the Queen of Words and I’m the Queen of Broken Hearts. I am the Queen of feeling too much and the Queen of squirrelling away my pain so I appear unbreakable. I know many women like me, but we hide our feelings (and our tears) and put on…

DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?

Tuesday, April 4th, 2017 is a day that I won’t soon forget. It was one of those bizarre, twilight-zone, out-of-body-experience days, wherein I knew that something amazing was happening – but it was almost as though that amazing thing was happening in some other dimension. In real life, I was performing a series of my…

MOTHERHOOD. YOU CAN SAY THAT IT SUCKS.

Right now, today, as we speak, on Women’s Day, there are thousands – likely hundreds of thousands – of women out there, belting back wine, smoking weed, taking up yoga/hiking/meditating/whatever just to cope with the fact that sometimes, having kids totally sucks. *cue gasps and horror* Since we’re on the topic of your “horror”, can…

THE BODY IMAGE BATTLE: NO KIDS ALLOWED

You think you’re fat. You tell your friends you’re fat. You tell the mirror you’re fat. Instagram and Facebook have only seen your face since time. You aren’t happy. At some point we have all either been that person, or the friend of that person.  I have been both. But do you know who doesn’t…

LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE

Melanie Groom is a ray of f*cking sunshine. Not in that fake, stepford wife, cookie-baking way – in a genuine, positive and radiant way. But don’t let her fool you; she can throw back tequila like nobody’s business and I can attest to that. Old bartending habits die hard. Lucky for me, Mel was staying just…

HAVING KIDS IS COOL. I SWEAR.

I have to be honest with you guys… Sometimes having a kid (or multiple kids, I’d imagine) blows.  Yeah I said it.  There are mornings when you look at your clock and the numbers 5:30 stare back at you, mockingly saying, “hey, you signed up for this” – which makes you wish for a brief…