If you’ve ever watched a movie or a TV show that involves a pregnant character, then you are likely familiar with the concept of The Horny Pregnant Lady.  She’s large and in charge and she just can’t get enough of ye old D… But outside of the silver screen and the small screen, may I just ask, where the hell are these women? ‘Cause I have personally never met one* and I most certainly have never been one.  So who’s out there telling the dudes “oh man, your girl is pregnant? Get ready she’s going to want to bang around the clock”?  

Other dudes. And Hollywood. (Both of which I consider to be prime sources for shady information).

Via Instagram @wolfcubwolfcub

News flash: Increased blood flow to breasts and genitals, a “more voluptuous figure”, and massive hormone fluctuations do not automatically translate to an increased libido! I mean, I’m sure for a few women out there, it totally does, but I think for a lot of women those 3 things equate to: Don’t touch me, I feel fat, and I will cut you.  

That being said, does it not seem a bit ridiculous that an increase in sex drive is advertised to men as one of the major perks of getting your woman knocked up?  How thoroughly disappointing it must be for the poor saps jumping into bed with their ‘good’ boxers on, only to be joined by a woman who just finished puking and now wants to eat 3 Tums and pass the F out… Oh and would you mind sleeping on the couch, honey? Falling asleep is hard enough without your loud ass snoring; and don’t breathe in my direction – I can tell you had Doritos at lunch.

Let me digress before you start getting all comment-section-happy and telling me all about how you were a sexual Goddess during your pregnancy and that even What to Expect When You’re Expecting says that an increase in sex drive is commonplace during pregnancy.  I know that there is a lot of literature out there supporting the fact that The Horny Pregnant Lady is an actual thing and I personally think that if you can feel like a mega babe while another human does somersaults in your abdomen, then you ARE a fucking goddess and I tip my hat to you x1000.  

Via Instagram @lunamaelondon

All I’m saying is that I just typed “pregnancy and libido” into my Google search drive and what popped up were a shit ton of artices in everything from Today’s Parent to Healthline.com talking about the high possibility that pregnancy will kick one’s sex drive into overdrive. The literature out there supporting the existence of The Horny Pregnant Lady is friggin’ abundant! On the other hand, all the forum posts that my search generated were centered around LOWER libido – the question to follow being along the lines of, “Is there something wrong with me? How come I have no sex drive when I’m supposed to be a raging love machine?”

And that, my friends, is a problem.

All this talk of The Horny Pregnant Lady is making the non-horny pregnant ladies feel like sex-hating weirdos and the absolute worst part is that when they’re posting their woes in mommy forums and mommy groups and wherever else one posts intimate sex-life details these days, they’re greeted with responses like, “Yeah I know, I felt like that too – but just do it anyway because if you don’t, your husband might go looking elsewhere.”

OMG NO. NO! NO! NO! We can’t possibly be telling women this and calling it advice. If you trust a man enough to father your children, please God tell me you trust him enough to stick around and hold your fucking hand while you grow his damn baby in your uterus for the better part of a year!

Some advice is much better, though, urging women to make sure lines of communication with their husband remain open so that he understands that how she feels has everything to do with her hormones and NOTHING to do with him personally.

Ok, yes – excellent start.

But what I find really striking is how many women begin their comments by saying that they could totally relate to their compadre’s lack of sex drive and that they too felt guilt about it at the time. Really? ANOTHER thing to make women feel guilty about? ANOTHER THING THAT’S TOTALLY OUT OF OUR CONTROL TO MAKE WOMEN FEEL GUILTY ABOUT?

Come on. What do we have to do to rectify this bullshit? Write a letter to every Hollywood film/TV show writer, asking them to CTFD with The Horny Pregnant Ladies already? Should we tell the men whose wives were total preggo sex Goddesses to STFU about it when they get together with the guys so that their childless friends stop looking forward to this supposed guarantee when they finally get a girl knocked up? I dunno, I guess we could; but I think we’re probably just as well served to do our friggin best to make sure this post pops up in a Google search for “Pregnancy and Libido” and hope that at least one preggo reads it and thinks “PHEW! Thank God I’m not alone!”

If you’re that woman today, then guess what sister, if your sex drive is down at the moment, it’s more than likely a temporary schtick. Know that you most definitely are not alone (seriously, bring it up to some of your girlfriends who have been pregnant before and I’m sure they’ll tell you the same thing). Know that lots of relationships survive a dry spell without anyone being cheated on. Know that your man probably does still think you’re hot even if you feel like Fat Bastard from Austin Powers, but that doesn’t mean you need to “lay there and take it” *shudder*, as some ladies on a mom forum I came across so delicately put it.

Pregnancy is a bitch and it messes with you in almost every way possible. The way we see it portrayed in film and TV is almost comically inaccurate (how funny is it watching labour scenes when you’ve actually experienced REAL labour though? lolz #bitchplease), so don’t let bizarre, unrealistic expectations dictate how you feel about yourself, your sex life and your relationship.  Somehow, we all manage make it to the other side and life gets back to a beautiful and hectic new normal post-baby.

Via Instagram @wolfcubwolfcub

If you’re sitting there thinking, “Well thanks Rebel Mama, but I’ve tried talking to my man about it, and he’s still having a hard time understanding where I’m coming from,” then I may suggest buying him an XL bucket of fried chicken. Be sure that he eats it all in one sitting. An hour later, when he’s feeling super bloated, queasy, exhausted and riddled with heartburn, ask him if he wants to bang or if he’d rather just throw up and go to bed.

Check. Mate.

*ok, fine. I’ve met ONE actual horny pregnant lady. One.

Hey RM-to-be! Here are some other preggo posts for ya: How to Produce a Badass Maternity Shoot, Trimester One: The Great Hormonal Takeover,  Z as in Zika, Don’t Piss off the Preggo, Shit Pregnant People Say.