When you finally make it out of the house for (some strange version of) a night of good old-fashioned debauchery (Woo! MOMS NIGHT OUT), you’ll mostly likely have the best time ever. What follows though, may easily be the worst 24 hours of your adult life…

Your baby will most definitely wake earlier than usual and probably choose that morning to start teething. This is your punishment for trying to have your cake and eat it too. Do not feel guilty about tossing your usual morning routine out the window and succumbing to the immediate powers of Baby Advil. Pop one down that hatch yourself.

Make some strong coffee.

You will feel more nauseous than you felt with hangovers past; that’s because it’s still dark out and you’re trying not to puke while mushing up bananas. If you need to vomit, vomit. It won’t be the last time your kid sees you do it, and just makes you more relatable.

During playtime, you will experience severe spins and wonder if your body will actually give up on you before 10am. The playmat is your best friend and you most certainly need to lay horizontally across it. Give baby an activity, wrap your arms around their waist, and take a 3 minute nap.

When you awake, make another strong coffee.

You will be dehydrated and likely unable to stomach a single thing to eat. This is actually great because you only need to prepare food for one human being today. Try to choke down a Mum Mum if you’re feeling bold, and chase it with baby’s organic apple juice. The sugar will recharge you for the rest of your shift. Plus it doubles as “hydration”.

The hours, minutes and seconds will pass by as slowly as physically possible. Now is the time to embrace the screen and let the ol’ TV be a hero. A few cartoons will not hurt anyone. This introduction may even grant you yet another opportunity for a mini nap… except this one can be as long as 15-30 minutes. Bless. (BTW, have you read our screen time guide for realistic people? You should.)

Expect your baby will choose this day of all days to take a much shorter nap than usual. The 1-2 hours they’ve been clocking the whole week will be a distant memory when a 20-minute nap brings you face to face with the brutal reality of mom life. Do not attempt to get ANYTHING productive done during nap time today as there’s no way of knowing how long you have. Every moment counts. Lie down.

Consider making another coffee, but drink water instead. Extra points for sparkling water which can help your tummy feel less like a trash can.

When your babe is hungry again, don’t get ahead of yourself and try to prepare a gourmet feast. Today is a day of basics. Toast, plain yogurt, fruit. The less prep time and scent these foods exude, the better.

Since your babe requires you to kill infinite amounts of time with “activities”, attempt to go outside. Now’s not the time to get your cute mom-look on though. Just muster the cleanest slick-back look you can manage, throw on your biggest and blackest shades, and head out for a lengthy stroll in a low-key area. Bonus: If your baby falls asleep in the stroller, park that bitch (the stroller, of course, not the baby) by a picnic table and tend to your migraine.

While you’re out of the house, we should mention that store-bought muffins and croissants are totally considered a suitable meal for you and your whole family today. If you still feel like death, find a hipster cafe and order an Espressino. You’re welcome.

You may be tempted to put your baby down for bed earlier today… may the force be with you. This brilliant idea may or may not reap rewards, so attempt at your own risk and expect to deal with an obscene level of volume. We hate to be the bearer of bad news but the safer bet may just be a little more TV time, darlin’.

If you’ve somehow managed to make it to the evening hours somewhat alive, we urge you to skip your regular bedtime routine as well. Does the baby reallllly need a bath? Their feet barely touch the ground half the time. Use wipes and call it a day. Baths require way too much participation on your part right now.

After the child is in bed and you can finally take a proper human shower, really take a moment to acknowledge the consequences of a night out and make some commitments for the next time you unleash the party girl within. Here are our three hottest tips to help you avoid the fresh hell that is hungover parenting in the future:

  1. Don’t mix drinks. Choose your poison wisely and stick with it, sister. The cleaner the better – read: Clear liquor on the rocks with lime. Sodas, juices, brown liquors, and bubbles all equal a beautiful shade of green in the AM.
  1. Set a hard cap time and Houdini the hell out of whatever event you’ve chosen to attend. Do not, we repeat, DO NOT tell anyone of your exit as your friends love nothing more than seeing a mom get wild. When the opportunity presents itself, walk out and make eye contact with no one. Your text from the cab will read: “I went out for a cigarette and felt sick… sorry babe xx”
  1. From here on in, plan your nights out strategically. Sleepovers and pre-arranged day-after caretakers are your Get Out of Jail Free Cards in this scenario. Use them wisely.

Whatever you do though, keep those party pants handy. Those tables aren’t gonna dance on themselves.

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Featured Image by Giuseppe Palmisano via @iosonopipo

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