OBJECTIVE:
To keep everyone happy and fucking quiet.
SKILLS:
Diplomacy. All of the diplomacy.
Fluent in multiple languages including grumbling and “ninja alien”
Level 1o Multitasking & Problem Solving
Hard core efficiency.
High tolerance for: excruciating screams, prolonged
torture-inducing whine sessions, and small-toy injuries.
Able to locate good wine (and a sativa pen) in a hurry.
Able to answer 150 questions about life in under a minute.
In possession of infinite amounts of patience.
Expert in strategic organization and delegation.
Has laser beam eyes that reach 60 yards
and can be felt while turned away.
Able to organize grocery list by store layout.
Able to prepare Master Chef meals when
half the ingredients are missing.
Able to time Uber eats delivery to meet
at the front door after school.
QUALIFICATIONS:
Can produce profound words of wisdom at the drop of a hat.
Can mimic a multitude of TV character voices.
Able to kiss all the boo boos away.
Can roll a tight joint under pressure.
Has a dry sense of humour and hard eye roll.
WORK EXPERIENCE:
Hiding in a corner of the house after the kids have gone to bed and creating a badass business plan that will change the world while doing YouTube pilates and folding laundry and going upstairs to check on the food once in a while and considering the state of the world and how it will affect our children – in addition to 4-years of expert level Lego City project management.
VOLUNTEER EXPERIENCE:
Dispensing personal time like goddamn Pezz.
HONOURS AND AWARDS:
Cheerio necklaces.
Beads and marbles.
Stolen garden flowers.
Random sticks.
Hugs and kisses.
Butt slaps.
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IF INTERESTED CALL ME!
(BUT ONLY BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 9-11PM)
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* by the way, we found this nifty little article that shared a recent study which calculated stay-at-home moms should be earning about 160K (in case you don’t feel valued today and need to throw this in someone’s face.)
xx RM
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Photo Credits:
Cindy Crawford photographed by Michael Thompson
June 2000 issue of W Magazine
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