Moms: The Undercover Queens of Morbid Thoughts. Sure, we might always be the first to reassure everyone else that there’s nothing to worry about and that everything’s going to be ok, but our internal dialogue? Oh dude – Stephen King ain’t got nothing on us.
Why do you think we’re always going in to “check on the baby”? Because DEATH! That’s why.
And while it may be uncomfortable to talk about, we mamas think about it constantly.
What we’ve discovered, though, is that worry, to a certain extent, is necessary – a key component to the continuation of the human species; but how much worry is too much worry? And what can we do to avoid going batshit crazy when constant scanning for danger is such a vital part of this mom-gig?
We call on our old pals, logic and practicality – that’s what. We put on our big-girl pants, we think the scary thought, we implement a precautionary measure against it, and then (and this part is our favourite), we move the fuck on.
Thoughts of SIDS keeping you up at night?
Clear that crib of anything that’s not a baby, put the aforementioned baby in a sleep sack, lay it down on its back, then walk away, sister.
Fear of your baby choking making mealtime a nightmare?
Sign yourself up for an infant CPR course, cut all round foods lengthwise, then sit back and enjoy the hilarity that ensues when your kid attempts to figure out the concept of hand/eye coordination.
Conjuring graphic visuals of said baby plummeting to its death at the bottom of the stairs?
Set up a baby gate, remind your partner to close the damn thing after they walk through it, then whip out your camera and make sure you capture all those sweet little wobbly steps in the hallway (it’ll make for awesome wedding video content in thirty years or so).
Losing your shit over the possibility of your own untimely death and the implications it would have for your spawn?
Try to maintain a healthy lifestyle, buckle your damn seatbelt when you get in the car, and get yourself some basic Life Insurance. Yes, LIFE INSURANCE. Juniper Life Insurance, to be exact.
Now, before you lose your breakfast at the thought of us, The Rebel Mamas, peddling Life Insurance on this holy grail of mom blogs, you should know that the reason we agreed to partner with this particular company is because they’ve set out to do to the insurance industry what we set out to do to the online mommy world: shake shit up. Their M.O. is to stick it to the man and give back to the community, and anyone with that M.O. is A-OK with us.
The masterminds behind Juniper have figured out a way to remove the blood, bullshit and bureaucracy from the Life Insurance industry and replace them with three very different defining characteristics.
Juniper is fast (we’re talking minutes here), it’s easy (probably easier than paying a City of Toronto parking ticket online), and it’s affordable (as little as $13/month) – perfect for healthy, young mamas who just want basic coverage so they can sleep a little better at night (no guarantees on the sleep front, though).
Juniper requires no bodily fluids, involves no creepy dude in a suit coming into your house to up-sell you, and no tedious paperwork. Everything happens online and with a few clicks of the mouse pad, you’re done.
(Oh, and they don’t consider marijuana partakers “smokers” – holler!)
But in all seriousness, if you’re a lucky owner of that winning combination of debt (ie a mortgage or student loans) and children, you need insurance, because if – God Forbid – the unthinkable were to occur, your kids would inherit a clusterfuck of financial woes and ain’t nobody got time for that
So, friends, it’s true that parenthood is the the scariest ‘hood you’ll ever go through, but don’t forget that when it comes to keeping fear and worry at bay, logic and practicality are your new BFFs. Having children is as beautiful as it is terrifying, so if you find yourself caught in a worry vortex… Stop. Remember this post. Think logically. Ask yourself what precautionary measure you can put in place to set your mind at ease, and then let your mind be at ease. Only then will you truly be able to let go and enjoy the ride – it may be scary AF, but all the best rides are.
“Silence” by Steven Meisel, Vogue Italia, 2008
“Belles de Nuit” by Steven Meisel, Moda Italia, 1990