In case you missed it in our IG stories (where have you been?!), you should know that we (well, Aleks) recently signed on to try out some new technology to address Stress Urinary Incontinence (S.U.I.) – the condition that makes you pee a little (or a lot) when you laugh, sneeze, cough, jump or do anything that causes stress to your nether regions. It is of course exacerbated by pregnancy and childbirth because WHAT ISN’T?
The treatment is called EMSELLA.
EMSELLA is a chair that you sit on (fully clothed, might we add) that sends electromagnetic waves to the entire pelvic floor to stimulate the weakened muscles in a way that traditional kegels cannot. Once activated, the chair treats your pelvic floor to thousands of supra-maximal muscle contractions, which re-educate the muscles and help them stand up better to stressors like laughing / coughing / jumping etc.
There is no comparable treatment on the market and 4 to 6 sessions (28 minutes each) done twice a week has proven to be 88-90% effective in nearly all cases treated at Dr Trevor Born’s Yorkville office to date. Still not impressed? The treatment’s only “side effect” is increased sexual pleasure.
Full disclosure: Rejuvenated vaginas don’t come cheap – you’re looking at about $3,000 a pop.
What follows is Aleks’ fully transparent diary of her 6 EMSELLA sessions – no sugar-coating, no details omitted (consider yourself warned).
Before we jump into it, here’s some super personal shit you should know about me and my vag:
I had a c-section (following a 25 hr labour).
I am 38 years old, rendering me “aging.”
I don’t have hardcore pelvic floor issues, but light leakage happens at times.
I pee more often than I’d like and feel pelvic heaviness on occasion.
I arrive at the Avenue Road office of Dr Trevor Born and find myself in a parallel universe made only of white marble. Immediately, I feel better about my vagina’s date with technology. Dr Born is kind of a big deal, but he’s surprisingly down to earth, reassuring and very obviously brilliant.
The session is 28 minutes long; a.k.a. the longest stretch of time you will ever be away from your phone (as it’s not permitted while using the chair), but it’s actually kind of nice to disconnect. I embrace life without Instagram DMs.
It begins feeling like a pop-rock sensation around your vagina and slowly progresses into what I would describe as an internal vibration. Think sitting on a heavy duty pager.
(Pause to give the millennials a moment to Google that).
My muscles get accustomed to this new sensation very quickly, and I am breezing through to intensity level 100 in no time. Not painful at all.
Have I mentioned yet that it’s completely non-invasive and no one needs to get naked? You heard me. No paper robe, no cold foreign objects, no awkwardness of any kind. (Sorry pap smears – but you suck).
After the procedure, I walk away completely unscathed and right into Joso’s (which happens to be 12 steps away from the office), where I duck in for a glass of red and a bowl of seafood spaghetti with wifey.
Major bonus: Zero recovery time.
A note: Be sure you take time to shuffle around to position yourself properly on the chair to reap maximum rewards. The pulses should feel like they’re hitting you right in the middle where you would normally have the sensation to pee.
Apparently my vagina has some badass muscle memory, because this time there’s really no adjustment period between 0 and 100, so we kick it into high-gear immediately. OMG is my pelvic floor is already a touch stronger since last week? Anything’s possible.
I flip open the new book I spontaneously bought at the Jersey airport last week (Paulo Coelho’s “Hippie”), get into a comfy and optimal position, and proceed to unwind as approximately 11k electromagnetic kegels get delivered to my pelvic floor.
This is too fucking easy, and I like it.
I decide to try my ever-so-slightly improved vajay on husband tonight (EMSELLA has been known to increase sexual pleasure and vaginal lubrication – bless).
Note: Sexy time was, in fact, amazing that night but I’m not totally sure if that was EMSELLA related or if it was the edibles we ate. A bit of both perhaps?
My girlfriend (who recently added baby number 2 to her team) decides to join me for the session, having followed my past EMSELLA adventures on social media and becoming unusually interested (story views don’t lie though… apparently, you all are). Towards the end of my session, she hops on the magic chair to experience it for herself. Her feedback? “Oh. That’s it?! That’s not bad at all.”
Guys, you can do this. You can do this without actually doing anything but reading a magazine.
Science – when it’s good, it’s good.
I had to wait until my period was over to get back in the hot seat (word to the wise: menstruation + electromagnetic waves = no bueno) but i was happy to be back and working out the lady below. Because I had just returned from California the day before and was completely displaced and tired AF, I used my 28 minutes wisely and took a seated power nap followed by some stretches. Multitasking at its best.
That night, sex did feel slightly upgraded… not that it ever was an issue before (babe, relax)… but things were definitely more “toned” down there and everyone was winning. I also slept through the entire night without getting up to pee once. Triumph!
Two sessions left and I can really feel a difference now. I no longer run to the bathroom at the first sign of having to urinate and am getting less pee-drop accidents overall.
Bless my vagina and the underwear she rode in on!
Lucky for me, Dr Trevor Born is in town and comes to say hello. We chat about Los Angeles, incontinence, weekend plans and The Marilyn Dennis Show (one of his most supportive friends and clients) all while the walls of my vagina pulsate. Ah the beauty of not having to remove clothing for the session.
I proudly tell Dr Born about how I made it from L.A. to Joshua Tree and back (6 hour adventure) and didn’t have to search for a cactus to pee on once. This is now my new claim to fame.
I leave a slightly changed and improved woman, excited to share the whole experience with our community and provide mamas everywhere with a solution to incontinence that WORKS! Forget the adult diapers and pads, this is the future.
I boldly walk into the offices of Trevor Born for the last time to complete my 6-session EMSELLA adventure – meaning I have now delivered 66 THOUSAND electromagnetic kegals to my pelvic floor and can honestly say it has worked its scientific magic!
I no longer feel any startling pee drops that escape at any given moment (and don’t have to carry panty liners around anymore #bless), my urge to urinate has lessened to a great extent, and my vagina basically feels like it’s undergone some kind of face lift / exercise program. Shall I call her Jane Fonda from now on? I may.
I chat with the ever-so-lovely office receptionist before I depart (she’s not a mum yet, but she’s a young lady who’s thinkin’ about it and with whom I have bonded during vaginal zappings). I divulge how enthusiastic I am to share this treatment (cure?!) with the RM fam.
It’s here, it works and it’s freakin’ REBEL MAMA APPROVED. #bless
For inquires about EMSELLA, contact Dr Trevor Born’s Truly Modern Beauty office at email@example.com or call (416) 921-7546. Cite The Rebel Mama as your reference for $100 off your EMSELLA treatment.
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