REBEL PAPA 101 - Rapid Fire Advice for Daddies To-Be

Nothing catapults a relationship to a new level quite like a baby.

Up until this point, your biggest decisions have been: what food to order, what show to watch, what you’re doing this weekend, and what pairs well with a vintage red (wine? pants? maybe both!).

Well… Dream’s over, bud.

Now that your lady is preggo, you best get your shit together leading up to the arrival of the little human you made together. Luckily we are here to ensure she doesn’t contemplate leaving your ass in the first few weeks or referring to you simply as “the sperm donor” for the foreseeable future by offering up some classic Rebel Mama style rapid fire advice for the 40 weeks that will inevitably change your lives.

Listen to her. Like, really listen. Pretty much the entire burden and responsibility of making, birthing, and sustaining the new baby falls on your lady. If you love her as much as you say you do, hear her when she asks for help. Even if she asks by way of passive aggressive comments and sideways requests.
Better yet, be proactive. Anticipate what your baby mama may need before she even realizes it herself. Your efforts will not go unnoticed and you will also live to see another day.
Try to understand that everything is out of whack and your girl does not recognize herself or her body. Her hormones are all over the place (cue spontaneous tears), her mom-brain is very real, and her body is working overtime to produce this baby. This gig ain’t easy, so be considerate and kind.
Read the literature. Find articles online, have her pass on what she’s reading, pick up a parenting book (our reco’s include: Handbook for (Cool) Moms and Dude, You’re Gonna Be A Dad) and get involved in the caretaking process.
Do not, we repeat, DO NOT, minimize what she is in the middle of accomplishing right now. Asking “you’re napping again?” may get you killed. And she’ll have an alibi. #thatswhatmomfriendsarefor
Pick up the slack and take over the lead on house maintenance. Not sure what that entails? Here are some thought starters: laundry (washing, drying, folding), vacuuming, mopping, dishes, food prep, sanitizing…
Don’t crush wine / tequila / sushi / French cheese / beef tartar / oysters (and whatever else she ain’t allowed to ingest) in front of her. Sneak that shit into the garage if you have to and brush your teeth afterward to stay safe.
Get involved in the “mama duties.” Read: getting the house prepared for the arrival of babe, researching what you will need, deciding on registry items, attending doctor appointments, birthing classes and whatever else she has on the go. This will earn you major points and will help you feel involved.
Do not act like you’re also going through comparable shit. Yes your hormones are changing to prep you for dad life (if your libido is lowered or your suddenly getting all emo when you hear a sappy song on the radio, you now know you); HOWEVER (and that’s a BIG HOWEVER), you are not going through anything close to what your woman is enduring, so “get that garbage outta here!!” (Said in Jack Armstrong voice).
Don’t assume she knows everything about pregnancy and beyond. If anything, she’s just as clueless as you and navigating brand new waters just the same. Decision fatigue is real, help her find the answers and learn together.
When she’s ugly crying for no reason, don’t tell her to calm down. And don’t ask her what’s wrong… she doesn’t know. No-one knows.
Don’t try to use locker room talk to encourage her to “Man up! Get over it! You’re not the only preggo to have lived”. This literally only works on athletes who get paid millions to work on their bodies and may only get you silent treatment, rage or tears in return. Offer reassurance that she was made for this and is already becoming the best mom.
Let her lead the way in terms of sex. Be open about it, but not pushy. Care for her and caress her and see where it leads. Do NOT walk into the room dangling your eggplant asking, “You wanna?!” with a huge grin cause you know condoms are now out of the picture.
Tell her she’s beautiful, every day. She may not feel like it right now (chances are she actually feels like a giant blob), but if you play your cards right you may be able to turn it around and make her feel amazing about herself. Happy wife. Happy life.
Don’t ask about the acne and wonder where the “pregnancy glow” is. She’s lugging around a shit ton of extra weight – the sweat and excess sebum IS the glow. Zip it.
Do not refer to anything she is doing or not doing as “playing the pregnancy card”. Just remember there’s a tiny spawn that’s sucking up all her nutrients, having her gain one pound a week, giving her heartburn and gas, aches and pains, swelling, nausea, and high kicks to the ribs from the inside. Don’t even argue that shit.
If you see her struggle to pick up the keys she dropped three times, help. Even if she tells you not to. Just do it.
Don’t come home black out drunk at 3am, crash into bed, and proceed to snore violently into her face. She can’t have fun anymore, remember? She also likely has a hard time sleeping so your drunken snores may sound a lot like gloating. This is obv super annoying and should be avoided at all costs. When in doubt, do not disturb and get your ass to the couch.
Be her protector when people offer unsolicited advice. Run interference. She has enough to worry about and needs a bouncer in her corner.
After the baby arrives, keep an eye on the mental well-being of your lady and have resources available that can aid postpartum depression and anxiety. And read our “Letter to the Rebel Papa’s” below so you can help her heal effectively. It may take a long while before she feels like herself again, stay patient and supportive.
And don’t mansplain SHIT.