(STEP)MOTHERHOOD: A SHORT STORY

I always wished to be a mother. I wanted two kids. Older brother, younger sister, four years part. This was the same age difference between me and my big brother and I thought that spread was the recipe for a very close sibling relationship.

Then, life happened.

I fell for a man who already carried out my childhood fantasy, but with someone else. He had an older son and younger daughter from a prior marriage. He had already mastered a series of firsts from sleep training to the football hold.

From the beginning, my boyfriend was honest about his views on having more children. While he loved being a father, he didn’t want to go back to early stages of parenthood. His kids were growing up and he was looking forward to a new chapter of parenting with more adult time on the horizon. That should have been the end of that relationship. But I couldn’t end it, I was smitten.

This uncertainty about having my own kids took our relationship from everyday bliss to an emotional rollercoaster. I would wake up telling myself that as soon as he falls in love with me, he’ll change his mind and want more kids. By nightfall, I was convincing myself that I didn’t want or need my own children so I could be with him. Each day included some variation of the “what’s my family going to look like” conversation with myself – and sometimes with him. It was exhausting.

In time, we took a big step in our relationship and he introduced me to his 6 year-old daughter and 8 year-old son. We went for ice cream. They were welcoming and affectionate. I started to develop a connection with these amazing kids and for a while, tried to picture my life with just his children. He too thought his kids may be enough for me. The opposite happened: being an observer of his parent-child bond actually intensified my desire to have my own.

While I hated the idea of being the woman to give a man an ultimatum, I did it anyway. We were at an impasse. I gave him one more year to let me know if he would be in for having more kids with me or if he was out. But from that point forward, we would observe a one year moratorium. No more Ground Hog Day conversations. Just enjoy each other, and revisit in twelve months.

During this year, I started to feel a deeper connection with each of his kids. Also, putting a date on this decision released the daily voice in my head. As the year progressed and my relationship with his kids matured, they started to ask about babies and marriage. I remember his daughter, my ally, asking her dad to have a baby with me. I suspect that may have been part of the shift for him, or maybe he saw a new reality of what our family could look like.

Like the lawyers we are, we resumed negotiations as the deadline approached with a common understanding: We were going to get to yes. I had a family now and I wasn’t going to lose it. Rather, it was going to grow.

Our starting positions were as follows: I wanted two biological children. He already had two children and did not want anymore. However, in life, we all make compromises. And, sometimes what we thought we wanted when were young isn’t actually what we want or need to fulfill us anymore.

In the end, we agreed on one additional child. We both knew the risks associated with this compromise. My boyfriend kept saying he was concerned I would renege after I had my first child and “force” him to have another one, or I’d resent him for sticking to the “one child” agreement. I also had concerns about him resenting me for forcing him into having another child and our relationship imploding. Another failed marriage for each of us. I remember thinking, is this how two people in love are supposed to have a baby? By negotiation? But once I got over the preconception of how it “should” be, we made this decision together. It felt right.

We welcomed our son in May 2017. Not once have I worried about my now husband resenting any of it. He was by my side every step of the way. Little did I know, having a veteran parent partner as a first time mom is a serious perk. He knew how to swaddle a baby and put our son in a bucket seat like a pro. He knew not to sweat the small stuff but to be present when the small stuff was actually important.

And general speaking, I’ve kept up my end of the bargain, fully satisfied and complete being a biological mother to one child. Do I have moments were I see my friends now having more children and contemplate what that would feel like? Absolutely. And sometimes I’m sad about it, but then my three children crowd my bed and my heart is full again.

Bringing our son into the family wasn’t just a me and him decision. It was a family decision that included four people in the process. We found out the baby’s gender together by smooshing cupcakes all over our faces revealing we were having a boy. Ultrasounds were crowded with everyone wanting a peek, and healthy debate on name contenders from all parties.

Of course there are moments I wish I called more of the shots. Even now, I receive unsolicited parenting advice from my stepchildren, like how many treats their younger brother should have and what his next haircut should look like. This is a compromise I happily make, because I know including my stepchildren in this process and giving them a voice is making us a closer family.

The defining moment for me happened days after my son was born. My girlfriends bought me a beautiful bracelet with his name on it; a gift I had requested. As soon as my stepdaughter saw, it she was heartbroken. She thought I should be wearing a bracelet with all three children’s names on it, not just one. In that moment I realized I truly had three children to care for, that wanted to be treated equally. Asking for a bracelet with one name on it contradicted everything I was building with my family.

Since then, I have created traditions and memories with each of my children. Taking my stepdaughter to concerts, out for dinner and watching Netflix shows together is a must, and I recently took “just the boys” on a trip up north. Sometimes, we need to leave the little one back so we can do something more grownup too, which I know is also important.

Having one biological child was not what my childhood dreams were made of, nor was having stepchildren. But in the end I have the family of my dreams. If I had known then what I do now, I would have wished for exactly this when I blew out my birthday candles – every damn year.

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Michel Lederman is a Toronto lawyer, who is married with two stepchildren, 15 and 12 years old, and a son, who is 4 years old. She happily co-parents alongside her husband, his ex-wife and her partner. Michel is on a mission to rebrand what it means to be a stepmom and spark a national conversation around the important and fulfilling role of stepparents. Follow @michie1113

Featured illustration by: Ashley Tse