As I melt into my sofa with a slow and steady, bicep curl of wine to watch missed episodes of … everything, I find myself reminiscing about long weekends past. In fact, I’m feeling a bit sentimental about it all.

Remember? Those long weekends when you were childless and in your late twenties? Early thirties? Late thirties? When a long weekend was just an excuse to nail down guest list to the biggest slash best parties, while easily having two back to back days of recovery time? Greasy grilled cheese and all?

FOUR DAYS. 96 hours of free time. Let’s all take a moment to reminisce.

*Breathe It In*

As a fun exercise to my migraine blurred mind, I decided to recite for you the before and after’s of long weekends sans and avec child.  I hope you too can relate to this throwback of youth and inconsequential decision making and revel in all the magic of free time of the past.

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FRIDAY
– BEFORE KIDS –
Last night was fucking awesome. Went to a crazy party ’til 4am (because the city hands out extended licenses as quickly as parking tickets), followed by an even crazier after- party until shady hours of the morning.

*Truth: I left the house party that morning when people were coming out of their homes with dogs and strollers. It felt terrible and awkward, but I now know they were probably like, “oh man… remember those days?!” in the same nostalgic tone I have now.

Around 12pm, I make an attempt at human life, but only because I need immediate carbs to live. Dirty take-out, three pots of coffee, and a whole afternoon spent under the blankie later, I debate whether I should rally for tonight. Obviously, I do… I have three more days left to my weekend and ain’t got time for FOMO!

– AFTER KIDS – 
Friday? Just like every other fucking day, except I don’t have my nanny. WHY IS EVERYTHING CLOSED?! This is so super annoying because we are dangerously close to running out of milk. Can I go to Starbucks and order a Venti Cold Milk for babe?

I make it to nap time without looking half bad, and feel victorious.  (This, by the way, is about the time mama’s can start drinking and it’s totally acceptable because we’ve just completed a six hour shift.)

Later that day the fam comes over and spends the rest of the afternoon / evening / night over-eating and over-drinking. At 8pm, I wonder how I ever used to leave the house at midnight; I also wonder if all the screaming kids caused me any permanent hearing damage and why that damn Moana song is so catchy.

SATURDAY
-BEFORE KIDS-
Shit. I’m hungover again. Well whatever – all I gotta do today is get to my in-laws by late afternoon and eat. Perfect. *Rolls joint*

-AFTER KIDS-
OH, HELLO 6:30am. We meet again. I aim to get laundry out of the way before breakfast and leave the house with minimal tantrums to get some pastry, fruit, and maybe even flowers if we manage to be heroes. Extended fam is in town… so it’s ON.

The day is spent in steady routine of : eat, talk, clean, unhinge children, wipe, drink, sweep, eat, clean, lock myself in the bathroom and vape my oil pen while checking on the Kardashians, wipe, clean, drink too much odd tasting wine, and finally retire on the living room sofa with a bunch of kids colouring rainbows in a book and asking for water.

Later that evening, I get ambitious and offer to take our out-of-town guests out and host them in our beautiful city. Once in the uber, I contemplate whether or not that was actually a wise decision.

SUNDAY
– BEFORE KIDS – 
OMG I feel SOOOO amazing. I didn’t go out last night and just slept for like, 12 hours.

Conversation with my boyfriend goes something like: “What do you wanna do babe? Should we go have brunch before we go by the house for dinner? By the way, we have to go to the *insert Sunday-Long-Weekend-Jam-Event-Name with DJ-whoever* tonight!”

Copious amounts of food, and three outfit changes later, we end up in a epic dance party scene with people that we swear we “get us”.

– AFTER KIDS – 
OMG KILL ME. I was way to ambitious as a host last night, and now want to throw up all over 6:30’s face. The solid 3 hours of beauty rest doesn’t quite prepare me to see another round of family with a kid that has just slept 11 hours. Since apparently these days, ANY holiday is an automatic gifting opportunity, my son is now armed with new and exciting toys that MAKE NOISE. Awesome.

I sneak away to a guest room to close my eyes for half an hour.
Note: I don’t actually nap, I just try the whole time.

MONDAY
– BEFORE KIDS – 
Holy shit, what a PARTY last night was.

I check Facebook upon waking to see if I can get any leads on what actually transpired a mere 8 hours ago.

“Omg hahaaha that’s so funny…..! We look cute too….”

I spend the rest of the day switching between TV, computer and phone screens with a pathetic outdoor trek to the convenience store because … cigarettes.

– AFTER KIDS – 
God, I can’t wait until our nanny comes back into our lives tomorrow. Gotta make one more family run before being able to fully retreat into my safe space of anti-social freedom. I can do this!!! I see the light!!!

That night, I catch up on emails, make to do lists, prep some dinner lunch and dinner options for the next day, and take the time to  roll a j and do 10 minutes of yoga.
Because, fuck.

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So, fellow Rebels, HAPPY LONG WEEKEND. However you spent it (I’m looking enviously over at you, friends with no kids), I hope you somewhat enjoyed it. While in the thick of things, it’s hard to remember that all in all, we’re creating some beautiful memories; if you can, take a few minutes to sit back and watch as your crazy family loves one another the only way they know how. It’s a beautiful thing.

xx A

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