We mamas are master actors.

Seriously, you should see me feign excitement at the park when my 3-year-old pulls the “BIGGEST WORM IN THE WORLD” out of the dirt.

That’s all just part of the gig, though. When our kids are little, we to pretend that life is fair, that people are kind, that decency is commonplace (and that a misogynistic racist isn’t the leader of the free world), in an effort to set their moral compasses to True North.

Occasionally though, our little censorship habit trickles over into our non-mom life, and it makes us replace what we really want to say in social situations with a more subtle version of the truth.

Here are just a few instances of typical half-truths – made whole by yours truly…

I have never been this exhausted in my life. Babe, you don’t even understand.
For the record, I am way more tired than anyone I know and need you to just appreciate that right now .

Omg the kids are SO annoying.
They’re not really that bad, but I miss being childless.

I wish I could just leave everything and come out last minute. Used to be my life.
Seriously dude, one: how do you see this working out logistically when I have a child to keep alive? and two: I really really really do wish I could leave everything and come. But it’s illegal. 

I don’t get out much anymore. *sad face*
But I drink twice as much at home and order UberEats more than you’d likely guess. So I don’t really care all that much.

I’m so out of the loop.
By choice.

I just wish I had more hours in a day so I could do everything.
They’d really be hours used to be alone and not do anything.

I don’t wanna drive a mom car, you know?
I’m still cool…. right?

Ugh I just hate my body right now… I miss my 27-year-old tits.
I need to vent and get this body shaming shit over with so I can move on and love myself. 

I miss random nights out man…
But only like 10% of the time. The fomo is quickly fading. 

Hungover parenting is legit the worst ordeal ever.
It truly is. Unless you’ve done it, you have no argument here.

I wishhhh I could have more kids. Honestly, I just don’t know if we could manage.
I couldn’t even imagine signing up for pregnancy again, but I feel crappy about saying that out loud. 

Ugh, honestly I don’t have time for TV. But I heard good things about that show.
I involuntarily watch 10 hours of children’s TV a day, so I’d rather die than deliberately turn that thing back on after it’s been turned off and no, Game of Thrones isn’t worth it. 

I don’t drink like I used to. My tolerance sucks these days.
I actually drink more, but I’m trying to upkeep this whole Holy Mother vibe around you so Child Services doesn’t get an anonymous email. 

I’m so jealous that you’re at brunch right now.
No for real – I am, ’cause my miniature food critic is ready for his gourmet french toast at 8am on a Sunday. And he wants fresh berries on the side.

You don’t know gross until you’ve changed a few stomach-flu diapers.
Seriously, I’ve seen some shit and whatever you just told me, pales in comparison.

Yeah right, I can’t wear that… I’m a mom.
I’m apparently an example now, so consider me a “no” for hoeing it up at the party. 

I just need a moment of peace you know?
Do you have weed? Cigarettes? DOES ANYONE HAVE BELMONTS?

Would be nice not to cook meals around here all day long…
Please take me out to dinner so I can revel in mushroom stuffed ravioli while someone else wipes the table clean. 

I think we’re gonna try to get the babe in his own crib this weekend. Send me good vibes…..
If I have to spend one more night with a rotating human pretzel, I may move out entirely. 

Does this coffee taste weird to you? I think it’s burnt.
Would adding Bailey’s at 10am be frowned upon?

Ugh, no I haven’t even gotten a chance to get to my emails.
I did; I opened yours at the playground and decided it wasn’t urgent enough to merit a response… just yet. 

I can’t wait for summer to be over so I can layer beautiful Fall clothes.
I can’t wait to hide my muffin top underneath a slouchy knit and stop shaving my legs.

Do these kids ever God damn listen??
Am I the only one who bribes them to do literally everything?

God, all I want is a 30 minute foot rub. I’m dyin’ over here.
Please text my man and tell him to book me an appointment because I’ll never spoil myself otherwise.

Honestly, all I have now are granny panties and it’s so sad.
I’m thinking of some kind of epic justification to feel hella sexy again. Please remind me that I should do it for myself. 

Omg, look how much makeup she’s wearing. So extra.
My au-naturel look is totally because I relate to the Parisians, and not because my toddler ran off with my mascara this morning and I forgot.

*Sigh* I just don’t know how much longer I can breastfeed…
I’m totally ready to let it go, but I feel way too much insecurity and pressure about stopping. Asking for a friend. And a friend of a friend.

Ugh… my hair is so disgusting. I definitely need to wash it tonight.
I am hoping to God that this top knot is making the Vogue Beauty Editor’s list right now because a shower may not happen today. Feel free to tell me that I don’t actually need to have one.

I can’t even deal with sex right now, my body is way too tired at the end of the day.
I don’t wanna bang because I’ve committed to reading a fucking book and it’s taking all of the priority right now. 

These kids just hang off me all day like leeches. 
And I secretly love it.

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Featured Image via anton x mishka

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