REBEL MAMA REAL TALK PART FIVE

All the media we’ve garnered lately with our Handbook for (Cool) Moms has required us to explain what a “Rebel Mama” is – a lot. Normally we’ll launch into the elevator pitch, rife with phrases like: a woman who is unapologetically herself, one who doesn’t let society define who she is once she becomes a mother, a non-judgmental boss who is inclusive, honest and supportive. (Shout out to our PR /Communications who have seared our key messaging into our brains).

But who is a Rebel Mama REALLY? What does she experience in her daily (oh-so-glam) life? You’re about to find out, friends. We’re going to let you into our jungle, because we know that although we’ve temporarily capped our private group (we take that shit seriously) we know there are probably some ladies out there who will nod their ways through this and feel like they’ve found their tribe.

Well – here we are! You’re not alone! We are navigating this shit storm together, so buckle up and prepare to laugh (or cry, depending on the hormonal cycle you currently find yourself in). Either way, we hope you find some solace.

What follows are unedited comments and quotes recently plucked from our private group and served to you cold. Just the way we like it.

PS: You’re welcome Rebel Papas … we know you wanna know how the other side lives.

Recommendations on formula for a 9 month old exclusively breastfed brat that doesn’t taste like pennies? I’m going back to work and he needs to figure this shit out. We’re using the tommy tippee bottles, and he seems to be ok with them, just not what’s in it! Also I would rather rip my own nipple off than pump.

I finally had a familiar hormonal experience. PMS … and as strange as this may sound, it was awesome; so comforting. For the past 20 months, since getting pregnant, it has been one strange hormonal episode after another. From outburst of rage while pregnant, to staring lovingly at an old man on the street postpartum, because he is a miracle of life and “used to be a baby too” . I have barely been able to recognize myself. Enter PMS.

PMS Rachael, is irritable, lousy company and not at all likeable, but I recognize this bitch and it’s a wonderful feeling. The bitch is back!

I’m a terrible mother… tonight I was eating/enjoying a lemon square and my daughter said in her cute 2 year old voice, “can I have some? What is it?” I told her it was turkey. She hates turkey.

FUCK YOU SLIME!!!!! Whoever invented slime, I am gonna kick your ass!!! Such a money/time wasting piece of shit!!!!!

Husband – when you get home from work and give me a break from a crying baby I should not have to hear you both breathing beside me. My break should not be you simply bringing the baby to the other end of the couch. Don’t talk to me about our day. Don’t ask me what your baby needs. Don’t ask if the dogs have been out for a walk. Fuck off and get out of my fucking house and bring anything living that is capable of making noise with you. P.S.: when you’re supposed to bring me home a McFlurry on your drive home from work, don’t tell me their ice cream machine is broken when we both know god damn well that there are like a hundred McDonald’s on your drive home. Don’t touch me don’t talk to me. Bye.

So now that summer is almost over , does that mean I can start working on my winter bod? Asking for a friend.

OKAY- WTF do men do in the bathroom for THAT long? Like, are you chronically constipated? Why are you hiding in there? I mean, it’s not like you’re exhausted from feeding baby, rocking baby, washing bottles and clothes and desperately need a moment to yourself?! I’m lucky if I have time to go pee never mind have a luxurious 20 minute dump. #endrant

My friend just had a 13 lb, 4 oz baby boy! Holy Crap! I’m so frickin’ grateful it wasn’t me.

I’m a first time mom to a beautiful baby boy but LORD HAVE MERCY the dick cheese is real.

My husband thought it was 6 months not 6 weeks before you can have sex after birth… I never corrected him. #lubeupgirl #prepareforleakage

Someone shared this pic in another mom group I’m in. 45 bakery recommendations and NO ONE made a dick joke. I had to leave the group.

So, tonight I literally viewed a worm coming out of my cats anus. Smoked a joint to cope with it. Got too baked. Now high, and dying a little inside every time I look at him. Thanks for listening. #vetopensatnine #baked #notagoodbuzz

My 4 year old:
“Mom, it would be really good if you got braces. Your teeth are so crooked”.
I feel so gorgeous tonight.

When you can’t decide if cleaning the entire bathroom with baby wipes is a complete win or fail….don’t care enough. On to the car and my vagina. ????

Before being a mom I would get massages and spend 50% of the time relaxing and the other 50% obsessing about not farting. Last night I made the choice to enjoy my massage 100%. And I farted. Audibly. In my panic, the only thing I could think of to say that would break the tension was to say, “that was your fault” to the masseuse.

Nothing quite like changing your tampon in a public bathroom with your 4 yo son in tow as the main commentator on the event. “Mama what is in your vagina??!!! Why is there blood??” Look away child. Look away.

So my 3 years old just jumped on me and yelled “Mom don’t be a FUCKING D BAG”. #momoftheyear

Fun question:
Whats the one thing you never thought you’d have to google as a mom? What shattered your naive perfect vision of parenthood? Mine: how to get my baby to sleep past 4:30am. FML.

Cont:
“Why does my baby’s poo look like a chocolate chip cookie?”
“Why does by baby have two butt cracks?”
“Is it normal for babies’ butts to fuse back together?”
“Where are my son’s nipples?”

First week back to work last week. Baby has been sick since Wednesday, mama has been sick since Thursday. Both of us have carried on with our lives. Husband woke up with man flu and the world is ending. Has the nerve to quote me that fucking article about how men do actually suffer more than us. Probably gonna delete this post so it isn’t used as evidence in his murder trial… feelin’ stabby.

My 18 month old was beside himself because I wouldn’t let him swallow a button. Apparently, I ruined the entire evening.

If anyone is questioning their parenting skills today, know I just swiped a mega block out of my 9 months old hands and said “no mamma is making a castle”
#takingallthegoodparts #healreadydestroyedit

I got pregnant in a drunken stupor after a golf tournament, I remember being pissed cause he kept trying to put it in my butt and I was like DUDE , up the bum no babies, stop being a douche…. so then 9 months later we became parents.

Why my 15-month-old is crying: because chairs don’t open the way laptops do.

Why do I feel like sleep is just closing your eyes and waiting for one (or both) of the kids to wake up?

Things I never thought I’d say to a stranger;
“wow that babe is so new he’s making my boobs hurt! “
This is why I have no friends.

Every day, I am amazed that we created someone so pure and innocent, with our dirty porno lovemaking.

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“I’m the penis guy. I sell penises. Want one? Go in the bathroom and choose one.” – In case you were wondering about today’s morning topic. #boymom

Right after I had my baby, the first time I got into my car to run errands and get gas… I couldn’t remember how to open my gas tank. I had to google it. #mombrain

Adventures in Breastfeeding; when your 10 month old reaches down your shirt & throws your breast pad across the Wal-Mart produce section. FYI there is no way to discreetly pick it up & recover.

My two and a half year old is screaming at me to put his boogers back in his nose. Please tell me this ends soon.