It’s not easy to find your soul mate, hence the million different apps aiding people on the quest to do just that. However, no one talks about the importance of finding a Mama Soul Mate – and these are the mates we as mothers need most! Now, if you have one – FANTASTIC, you’re one lucky gal to raise your children alongside a like-minded partner in crime – you know, the one who will call you out on your shit before your own partner has the chance to.
You’ll know it once you meet her, but here’s our fun, not so little, not so scientific checklist on what to look for in The One – and if you’re like us, you’ll collect a whole bunch of these ladies to build a village no snot nosed kid can mess with.
This is our little way of paying homage to the bad-ass bitches in our lives that give us the strength to keep plowing through the tough days and revel in those small, yet colossal victories.
Hans Feurer, 1975 via Vogue
THE BEST KIND OF MAMA SOUL MATE:
1. Has No Room For Judgement
You may get together like mean girls to judge others (listen, let’s not pretend people watching isn’t the greatest pastime EVER) but she will never judge your parenting decisions and will always be in your corner when it matters most. Like when your kid decides to have a colossal meltdown and you’re forced to implement a time out, she just fends for herself and even makes YOU a coffee while you deal with your little poltergeist.
2. Offers Round The Clock Assistance
Like the best kind of customer support, this mama is available to you all the time, any time. No text goes unanswered in this mutually fruitful relationship, and you can bet she won’t roll her eyes if you call her to vent at the most random hour. Actually, she’d throw you serious shade if you hadn’t. And after every conversation, a slow deep breath comes naturally again and life is restored. *Disclaimer, if this convo happens in person, you may be hungover in the morning.
Vintage Rotary Phone via Etsy
3. Gives Life To The Weak and Vulnerable
Let’s face it; not every mama is a hard hitting, confident, self assured lady (raise your hands in unison), so it’s natural to sometimes internalize feelings for fear of judgment or worse, feeling vulnerable and lost. A Mama Soul Mate will make you feel at ease and be the champion in your corner. She’ll immediately sense your despair and invite you over for coffee and snacks (Read: wine and cheese). She’ll remind you that tomorrow is another day and you both can do this. Most important – you’ll actually believe her.
4. Is Efficient and Useful
This mama won’t ever come to your house empty handed. It likely won’t just be that red wine you both love that’s stuffed in her purse, but probably also some kind of meal (fancy Italian biscotti totally count), hand me down toys and clothes, and a book you just gotta read. Knowing that visits are far and few in between, your girl makes the most of each one. And when she forgets diapers for her 3 month old at home? No problem. You’ve got pull-ups and duct tape, because she isn’t leaving, the baby needs to be changed, and you’re the dream team.
5. Slaps The Nonsense Out of You
When you act like an asshole and are being completely nonsensical, you need someone – not your partner – to slap that shit out of you. The value in this is infinite and knowing you can count on it is priceless. Plus, you’re way less defensive when it’s coming from a mama bestie because you know you need to hear it. So, when your partner is in the right in the fight the two of you had last night, and you can’t see it was you who was in the wrong (rare, we know), she is the one that is going to tell it straight to your face.
6. Hands Out The Honest Truth
The best relationships are honest, and you can count on your girl not to sugarcoat anything. Whether it’s up-the-back shit storms, or hard hitting tales of that time your baby choked and almost died at Zara – you both spare no detail and share your stories openly and honestly, making you both stronger warriors. Her explicit birth story is still etched in your brain, and you wouldn’t have it any other way.
7. Laughs With You, Not At You
When you tell your Mama Soul Mate that you want to kill your child, she asks, ‘Do you need an alibi?’ and you both know it’s in jest. When she tags you in the most inappropriate Beige Cardigan meme, you don’t even cringe… in fact, you’ve probably tagged her in the same one moments earlier. Having a sense of humour is really the only thing that’ll get you through, and it’s no fun if you’re the only one laughing.
Frida Kahlo with Chavela Vargas via Pinterest
8. Aligns in the Fight
A Mama Soul Mate is one of few people who you trust to be with your child when you aren’t there, because you know she respects your rules and authority, and will follow them to a tee. Further, when together, you align in the fight to discipline in the power struggle that is parenting of wee ones. Everyone needs the fucking back up when your spawn is losing his shit in the middle of Holts, and someone needs to tell the gawkers, “nothing to see here” while using an intense glare tactic. And as much as she loves your husband, she’ll be the first one to have your back when shit hits the fan. Or body bags need to be outsourced.
9. IS Your Google
A Mama Soul Mate knows the importance of imparting knowledge from her own experience, sans any added sugar. After all, do you really want to continue searching Google images for an answer on the impending rash on your toddler’s foot? According to WebMD, you both should have been dead five times over already.
10. Understands Sleep Training
By ‘understands’ we mean, she is obviously awake at 3am, on the same sleep training plan, alongside a replica of your sleep training care package: phone jacked to 95%, Instagram up and tagging in full effect, an issue of Life & Style, and a full glass of Amarone. When awakened by said babe who needs sleep training for the 4th time this year (or this month, who are we kidding), your soul sister is ready and willing to sit on the phone while you bitch about how your partner is snoring while you are alive and well in the pits of hell.
Audrey Hepburn, Breakfast at Tiffany’s (1961)
11. Cares About Your Sleep
When your girl asks if you’ve slept, she actually cares to know and legitimately has her fingers crossed that you clocked at least 5 solid hours. And despite being busy in her own pile of shit, will gladly offer to come and watch your kids so you can get some shut eye, or just join you on the couch for a venting session that inevitably ends in tears (most times from laughter though).
12. Is YOUR Playdate
The best play dates happen with her, likely due to the fact that neither of you are actually paying attention to what your kids are doing (no one’s crying sooo…) because you’re too busy discussing everything from life altering decisions to the daily gossip grind. And this hero of a mama even sends you home with the left over wine, neatly and efficiently poured into a water bottle and stuffed in your diaper bag. Because no wine needs to go bad. Ever.
13. Understands What Adult Dinner Is
You know you love your kids. Your friends know you love your kids. Facebook and Instagram DEFINITELY know you love your kids. But neither of you want to talk about them all the way through dinner. Your mama mate knows this, respects this, and makes sure that upon being seated at one of your favourite restos, the first topic of conversation is your every-so-slightly dirty vodka martinis.
Roseann Williams and Tara Glynn (1968) via Pinterest
PICKING HER OUT IN PUBLIC:
– She lets the F-Bomb slip in front of her toddler and doesn’t bat a Lancôme eyelash.
– She’s wearing a version of your outfit, and you secretly want her sunglasses / jeans / bag.
– Her youngster is just as pulled together, and in kicks that are seriously on point.
– She’s on the playground bench, involved in leisurely scrolling with no desire to move.
– She gives her babe a sip of her coffee after he incessantly begs for it, and knows one sip won’t kill the guy. She chooses her battles wisely.
– Her tone and volume is calm and low. This classy babe clearly avoids drama.
– Her makeup is minimal, but she’s somehow still effortlessly pulled together. Easy going chic vibes.
– She brought her kid to brunch, is balls deep in mimosas, and gives no thought to the 25 year old hipster who’s offended by her baby’s presence.
– She let’s out a sigh when her cub throws a tantrum, sticks to her guns and doesn’t frantically stoop to her level.
– She makes a sarcastic comment in your direction, “now if only we could train them to mix a drink or two…” because she can see that you, too, are in her league. And need a beverage.
– You overhear her talking to a friend and say “whatever, if he doesn’t wanna nap, he doesn’t nap”. Any sign of chill, is a good sign.
– She doesn’t hover over your kids when they play with hers, nor does she immediately try to intercept in their miniature battles. She knows forced sharing is an overrated idea.
Jane Birkin and Child via Pinterest
In the end, it’s nice to have an ally in the trenches of motherhood who is transparent, empathetic, tough as nails, gives zero fucks, AND IS NOT A MAN. Even better if you score one in your own neighbourhood, because organized play dates at opposite ends of the city are more annoying than they were ever intended to be.
If you’re lucky, you will find a Rebel Squad full of ladies that will encompass all of this in their own special way. Find this eternal love, and those late nights and very long days of uncertainty will become much more manageable – and you may actually feel like you’ve got your shit together! You know you always need your girls, but if you’re finding it hard to get your vents across to your childless friends who stare at you blankly when you mention teething, it’s time for a mama formation.
Water always finds its own level, so make like water – and find yours!
Co-authored by: Aleksandra and Amalia
Stamp of Approval: Nikita
Featured Image via Elle.com