DECODING MOMMY FORUM B.S.

I think all of us can recall the first time we found ourselves on a mommy forum. Did it not feel like you’d entered an alternate universe where people talked about poop in code? DH, DD, LO, WTF ARE THESE WOMEN TALKING ABOUT??

I guess the logic is that by abbreviating EVERYTHING, you’re saving time. I get it. We’re all moms and time is a hot commodity to us. But really? Does typing “LO” in lieu of “kid” really allow you a little extra time in the shower? I’m not convinced.

I mean, I guess it does make you sound like an “official” mom – when you’re using more acronyms than a Fortune 500 company, maybe other moms take you more seriously? (Also not convinced.)

But one thing’s for sure, these short-forms definitely don’t make us look cool – they make us look like fucking head cases. Sometimes it’s hard to see the crazy when you’re in the middle of it; which is why I have moved the crazy from the forum to the blog for you! Meet fictional forum mommy, Suzy Lou…

Hey Mamas!

I guess I should introduce myself. My name is Suzy Lou and I’m a SAHM with two LOs and an SO who I never refer to as my DH because even though we DTD, we still never got married (much to my MIL’s displeasure!).

Both my ODS and YDS are perfect angels who have been STTN since, like, forever because we let them CIO; It was hard for like one night but then totally worth it!

When I was a FTM I totally didn’t know WTF I was doing and TBH, I still don’t really know! I mean, should my kids be EBF or FF? How old should they be when we PT? UGH! So many decisions to make and all I really want to do is hit up the LCBO, crack open a bottle of Cab Sauv and watch SATC episodes on repeat, you know? (OMG totally JK)

My LOs are the LOML. I think I’m going to cry for a week when they go off to JK and I go back to work FT! (Oh, side note – LMK if you’ve found a school your LO really loves. ISO small student/teacher ratios. TIA for your suggestions!)

I always pictured myself with one DS and one DD – the million dollar family… But I’m so happy with my 2 boys! I guess I was destined to be a Hockey Mom (LOL). Totally done TTC now though and looking for a new method of BC. LMK if you are using something you love (OMG Kill me if I ever have to buy a HPT again)!!

Ok I GTG because I’m currently NIP and I totally just flashed an unsuspecting bystander at the park!

COMPREHENSIVE GLOSSARY
OF RIDICULOUSNESS

(in the order in which they appear above)

SAHM: stay at home mom

LO: little one

SO: significant other

DH: darling husband

DTD: “did the deed”

MIL: mother in law

ODS: older darling son

YDS: younger darling son

STTN: sleeping through the night

CIO: cry it out

FTM: first time mom

WTF: what the fuck

TBH: to be honest

EBF: exclusively breast fed

FF: formula fed

PT: potty train

LCBO: liquor control board of Ontario

SATC: sex and the city

OMG: oh my god

JK: just kidding

JK: junior kindergarten

FT: full time

LMK: let me know

ISO: in search of

TIA: thanks in advance

DS: darling son

DD: darling daughter

LOL: laughing out loud

TTC: trying to conceive

BC: birth control

LMK: let me know

HPT: home pregnancy test

GTG: got to go

NIP: nursing in public

***

IMO all these acronyms are total BS and IDGAF how busy you are – I’m pretty sure typing out “son” takes approximately the same amount of time as “DS”.

RM out.