SHIT MY TODDLER SAYS

If you’re ever wondering why us mamas incessantly talk about coffee and wine (or why you’ll almost always find me pairing dinner with an Old Fashioned) it’s likely due to the fact that for the most part of the day, we are trying our very best to reason with tiny versions of ourselves that lack any common sense but have all the necessary qualities to render a very successful future in dictatorship.

This past week,  I took a moment to jot down some of the deep and meaningful things my 2.5-year-old spewed throughout a typical day we spent together, solely for your entertainment.

Well, also because I’d love to have these on file for reference.

The scenarios and context are as irrelevant as the arguments themselves, but nonetheless make for a few legitimate points.

And the three sentences I underlined?  They were the ones that made every challenging moment melt away, to make room for forced kisses and loads of snuggles. Because that’s parenthood, after all.

SHIT MY TODDLER SAYS
As spoken by Oscar (or Bosscar as we like to call him)

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I wanna snuggle in Mama’s bed.

I smell poo. It’s stinky. 

Sorry I made a mess. Clean it.

I’m mad because I’m mad.

I fart in my butt.

Kiss my toe.

I’m playing with my peeeeenis.

Oh wow my penis is so big.

Mama, I took a dump.

No! Don’t look at me.

I don’t like the crusts.

Mama, give me the crusts now. It’s so good. Try it. 

Look at my booger Mama! Here… Take it. 

I like the tea with the milk. 

I have to go to the office. And my tea with my trucks.

I wanna get naked.

Fuck man. 

Mama, go to the pizza store please.

Thanks for my lunch mama.

I like the salad leaves. I want more leaves and leaves.

I wanna go to the police office.

My butt stinks. Ewwww Mama.

Don’t snuggle Daddy.

I wanna see your boobs.

Is there milk in the boobs?

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I want it.

I don’t want it.

Let’s get naked.

What’s this guy’s doing?

I’m being mad.

Babe stop talking.

I want to go on the streetcar. Streeeeetcar. Streetcarrrrrr.

I’m not. I’m not!!!

I wanna jump on the couch on the bed.

I need a bandaid.

I need a fresh bandaid.

Where is my lovey???? Get my lovey!!!

No I’m not a tyran. You are tyran!

Oh my God.

Open my window and close my window.

I want milk.

I love you Mama.

I’m tired.

Not the hair.

Dunnwanna wash the hair. 

I’m not tired.

No more sleep sack.

I want my sleep sack AND my blankey.

Good night everybody.

**

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