REBEL MAMA REAL TALK PT. DEUX

REBEL MAMA REAL TALK is probably my all time favourite thing to put together, mostly because I spend the entire time laughing my ass off and trying not to wake my sleeping child.

Motherhood ain’t easy, but it sure can be funny as fuck. And that’s basically how we get through it all … by laughing, and sharing with our lady tribe to make absolutely sure we’re not alone in the insanity.

If you enjoyed the last round up of hilarious quotes straight from our incredible community of Rebels and could use another almost-spit-out-my-coffee moment, this is for you. We couldn’t be more thankful to have these hilariously honest and open ladies in our lives who seem to agree that laughter is the best medicine.

Alcohol being a very close second. Obviously.

Enjoy. xx

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The other day I was having my daily breakdown while cleaning up everyone’s shit that’s left lying around and I was talking to myself – as you do, and I asked myself “does anyone even actually give a fuck about what I’m saying” not realizing my 5 year old was in the room she replied. “Me…me mummy I give a fuck!”

That moment when your fresh out of diapers, and your daughter announces she has to pee on the way to daycare so you teach her show to squat in the bushes. #lifelessons ‪#‎momwin‬

My eyeballs are gonna burst if I have another cup of coffee. The only answer is to sleep but ain’t nobody got time for that!!

So… I’m actually chafing in my inner thighs. FML. Another month to go .

Never thought I would be googling ‘Kim Kardashian boob taping’. #momboobs

I don’t normally take risqué pictures and send them to my husband but when I do, I forget to delete them and my kid somehow sends it to my girlfriend. ….could have been worse. ‪#‎friyay‬ ‪#‎tittiesonparade‬‪ #‎sunsoutbunsout‬

I miss sneezing and not having to hold my crotch in fear of pissing myself.

Going out with friends at this stage in life is much like working out: Don’t want to do it, hate it, hate it, hate it. Then you work up the motivation and go, just to think, “This is awesome; I should totally do it more often!” Except you don’t.

Anyone else on Facebook right now while ignoring their kids… and have not made dinner and kids usually eat in 15 minutes??? Or is it just me?

Bribery and Paw Patrol are the only reasons I’m not a raging alcoholic.

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Holy shit. I just volunteered In my grade 1’s class for pizza lunch. W. T. F!? How do teachers do it!? I was shaking and in desperate need of a drink by the half way point. I was there for 40min. Some kids are serious assholes.

Was eating a fabulous chicken and veggie crepe, and managed to stop when I was full vs. a normal food coma. Feeling like I’m in control AF. That is all.

Mine just decided to take 1.5hr to fall asleep every night…. I’m looking for muzzles.

I’m constantly repeating the phrase ‘penises are for private’ which seems to limit the frequency of public penis episodes. But now my 1.5 year old daughter has also discovered that her brothers penis is fun to play with and the two of them have a helluva time in the bath no matter how many times I repeat my penis mantra. I’m cringing at their adult selves hearing about this- but I’m also confused about how to navigate this horrifying new game. 

How soon after you had that “oops” did you get pregnancy symptoms? 

No awesome situation ever began with the words: “MOOOMMMMEEEE!!!! Can you bring the ‘flunger’ to the toilet???????”  

Having 2 kids is great… Unless I’m alone with both of them… Then it’s shit. 

Looking for exorcist recommendations for my 16 month old. Her symptoms include: throwing all her food on the floor (angrily), demanding every single book in the house to be read to her- but then smashing each away after one page, fury when having her diaper changed, rage when going on walks (stroller or carrier) and extreme rage upon being put to sleep.

I found mine balls-deep in RBC banking this morning on the iPad. #neverleaveunattended

So I just pulled a strand of hair out of my kids butt hole.  All laughs aside, is this a concern? First time mama.

Thank you Veld for waking up my one year old with every  new set you played after 7pm. Half of me couldn’t get my windows closed fast enough and felt like an old b*tch.. the other half was eyeing my neon spandex and glitter crop top with the babysitter on call. #rebelcrisis #realstruggle #mamaneedsadrink

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Anyone ever wanted to kick their kids square in their asses, tell them to f*ck off and lock them in the basement for an entire day? Asking for a friend.

Tonight I hand expressed milk from my boob, into a toilet, at a concert. ‪#‎whoami‬?

Dear husband,
If I catch you throwing out one more piece of clothing that has a tiny bit of baby poop on it instead of washing it, I will fucking skin you.
– Love the person giving you death stares.

My 2.5 yr old likes to take the removable shower head and spray his penis until he gives himself a raging boner while he giggles uncontrollably.

While rushing to pack for a camping trip:
‘Can you please remove the word Mummy from everything you are about to say, I am the only person in the room, I know you are talking to me’ #witsend #tearmyhairout

Breast feeding in my drivers seat, while getting my oil changed at Mr.Lube. Zero fucks given.

Lana is 4 months. She has been pissed off for the last 48 hours even in her sleep… if you can die of no sleep I will let you know tomorrow, or I will get someone to post cause I will be dead.

Why do I always smell like poo?

Murphys Law: if you bring 2 spare diapers for a 2 hr walk, baby will shit herself 4 times.

This morning when my girls were having their breakfast my 4 yo (who is always pissed) was crying over something ridiculous (I didn’t let HER put the straw in the cup) then my 6 yo says quietly “you cranky fuck”. I swear I don’t call her a cranky fuck… out loud. 

So I was unexpectedly very hungover today. Finally decided to take the plunge and actually put food into my body at like noon – crackers and cheese. Was holding the *fussy* baby on my left hip while trying to slice cheese with only my right hand (not easy). Finally hacked off a piece, put it on a cracker… Baby decides to projectile vomit RIGHT ONTO IT!!! You cannot make this shit up, people.

I asked my kids if they knew what I wanted for Christmas. They both said “Probably a nap and a clean house!” I was like “OMG that is exactly what I want!!!” The the younger one said “Yah but we will probably get you a purse or a bracelet cause that’s easier.”

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Me: …. Stop dancing naked with the cat
5 year old: But I love to be naked and you said to keep your privates covered so the cat is my underwear
Me: …. I…. Put the cat down and put some clothes on
5 year old: *continues dancing naked using the cat as her FCC censor bar*
Me: PUT THE CAT DOWN THIS IS SO WEIRD!! HOW ARE YOU DOING THESE THINGS?!
My 5 year old: you created me.

How about a pervy 2.5 year old that keeps attacking my boobs and telling me they’re HIS, and then proceeds to argue with my husband about who they belong to. 

I’m a high school teacher & 15 mins in to my daughters JK observation I started looking for the exit. It was the worst. Cute, but also horrifying.

I’m either genius or just sunk to a new low. I came to the gym…not to work out….dropped my kids off at the daycare and am sitting in the cafe to eat and then go shower.

I was able to score a sweet 15 minute nap today during my transvaginal ultrasound. #blessed 

I just discreetly inhaled a slice of pizza. My daughter never suspected a thing. 

Please tell me these death gas screams 24/7 come to an end soon. I’m at week 6 and need to know there is light at the end of this gas tunnel! BTW, I’m selling a cute baby boy (cute when he’s not screaming) if anyone is interested.

*in response* I’ll trade you my toddler for your 6-week-old.

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