Wondering if this whole having children thing is for you? Already decided to pursue the mom gig but wish you could get a peak into that world before you get knocked up? Too late, you’re pregnant and now you need some real talk? WE GOTCHU.
Here are some recent, unedited excerpts straight from our Rebel Mama group where we come together to form a tribe and essentially help one another raise the kids. Yes, it still takes a village, and ours is pretty bad ass.
It doesn’t get any more transparent than the *hilarious* quotes below, but don’t let us scare you and take it with a grain of salt because 1. Every kid is different and yours might be an anomaly (whatever helps you sleep through the night girl) and 2. It’s far more rewarding to vent and bitch than lay out lovely sentiments on how much joy your children bring you on the daily. *Although we’re suckers and do that too, more frequently than I’d like to admit.
In the end we’re all in it together, like a riot squad against a herd of tiny protestors – and as long as you got your squad, you’re winning. And if you don’t, hop on board… we’ve got tons of room for your antics and you’re bound to make some Rebel friends for life.
It can’t be said enough how much I (we) appreciate these witty, sassy, incredible ladies who make navigating motherhood a hell of a lot more tolerable.
REBEL MAMA EXCERPTS
– REMINDER: if we survived indoor smoking, underage babysitters and sugar-filled everything, chances are our kids will turn out just fine too. ?#?ctfo
– I feel like the dads who were passed out long enough to become a work of art got what was coming to them.
– My husband just asked my 3 year old “where’s mommy?” Her response…”she’s dead”.
– My kid rejected a Nutella sandwich today. Further proof that toddlers are f’kin psychopaths.
– She did a back flip off our bed this morning and landed on her head. Shit happens.
– I’m never buying markers.
– Besides Lululemon pants, I need to know where to shop so I can starting looking female again.
– I realized I made them banana, peanut butter breasts with chocolate chip nipples…
– Today I was the asshole standing on the escalator… so my life is basically over.
– 4:20am (4:20pm’s evil arch nemesis) reared its ugly head this morning… WTF child?! Way. Too. Early.
– I see this as a win-win…she eats and I don’t have to clean the floor.
– My step daughter dropped my newborn once. We all survived.
– Do you know how many times people have seen my bare nekkid ass???
– My eyes are sweating profusely from this video.
– Fuck you, hormones!
– Just drank my meal and ran. Pretty sure I also pulled a muscle in my shoulder and over tipped.
– We threatened them with ice cream the whole time.
– Literally. Every. Morning. I wake up and he has to come and sit on my lap while I’m on the toilet. I don’t get it.
– I remember saying – I don’t think she’s done shitting, and he was like, nah don’t worry – and then….explosive shits, soft serve everywhere, it was disgusting and awesome at the same time.
– It’s almost impossible not to hate your spouse a little during that 4th trimester…. They just seem so stupid.
– The day I sleep for 8 hours. I’d have to drug myself one level below OD.
– What’s stronger than coffee but not as intense as cocaine? I need THAT!
– I’m 40 with a 2 year old and a 1 year old and I feel like I’m 80.
– Sometimes I feel like just being delirious can get you through.
– I can’t even remember my last full glass of water… Coffee is made from water right?
– Oh no. Can I pause life here?
– Sometimes I go out without makeup and people ask me why I’m so upset….Um I’m not upset, I just have two kids and a perma bitch face. Thanks.
– Also can we talk about “men’s rights activists”??? #bitchplease
– All I’m gonna say is never change a shitty diaper of a toddler when you’re hungover.
– I feel like the only thing missing are mom jeans (non stylish variety) and the mom underpants that go up to your ears….. ?#?wherehasmycoolnessgone
– I want to make a list of things I “disliked” before kids to which now I would pay money for. For example: “rushing” to work for 9am, “rushing” to a 10am 90-minute Yoga class on a Sunday, being bored on a weekend…..wasting my day in bed cause I was hungover. Having to go get my nails/roots done…. again…..sigh.
– Fuck teething.
– There was a point I was wondering what childless people knew I didn’t and why they didn’t share their knowledge with me.
– On my way to Sick Kids because this kid has shoved another object into his nasal cavity…. for the 8th time. Last time a mini car tire, wonder what it will be this time? I only noticed because I was pulling a chewed piece of pencil crayon out of there.
– Today I was going to run away.. (not really, but I did day dream about it).
– My 6 year old decided to put the 19 month old’s potty in the crib. She then jumped in and pissed in the potty IN THE CRIB. APPARENTLY, this was a better (and closer) option than going to the toilet. FML.
– When your child has a day of tantrums (directed at you only) and you leave him with the grandparents to have wine for lunch and shoes for dessert.
– My sort of joking response is to fuck with you. My actual response is growth spurt.
– I think if Elmo himself wiped their nose they’d still freak the fuck out.
– Some days it’ll be yes, some days it’ll be go fuck yourself.
– I just walked into a vent boobie trap and it took off 3 layers of skin on my foot.
– When my mom says shit like, “when I became a mother, I stopped everything and never went out… “yea mom, you also married the first guy you met and THEN had sex with him… #TimeHaveChanged #MillennialMomsBeDifferent
– My kid drinks bath water like I drink wine.
– I’m gonna read this book someday.
– Screw the neighbours!!
– Sometimes, I forget that my husband has eyes when I’m choosing my “comfortable” underwear.
– When you walk into the bathroom and your 2 year old is rubbing his dad’s deodorant on his face.
– My 10 year old just asked me if a rhombus was a polygon. Thank God for Google.
– I can’t even WATCH him colour right now. FUCK.
– I love Dad parenting.
– It’s 6:30am and I already give zero fucks.
– Next time get AS-IS, it’s already built for you. I don’t know why IKEA discounts there, I would pay extra for it to be already assembled.
– Two glasses of wine, and now my husband lives to see another day.
– Does anyone else’s toddler gross themselves out so much by certain foods that they decide to projectile vomit it out just so they don’t have to eat it?
– Elephant sized labia. That is all.
– Some higher being give me patience as I sling a screaming baby to my chest and pour myself a goddamn glass of wine.
– So last night I had to fish out a huge turd out of the bath tub that my 2 year old did with my bare hands. The twisted part about this is that I was so happy and relieved that he pooped that I didn’t even give a fuck that I was holding a piece of adult size poop.
– (And in response) Something that I will only admit here after multiple tub poop missions: I bought a fish net from a pet store to scoop the turds. I almost feel like this should be an automatic gift to any new mom. #tubpooping
All we can do is laugh right?!
One thing is for sure – when you’ve got a crew of ladies to laugh with, you all survive together.