REBEL MAMA REAL TALK PT.4

Us mamas deal with a lot of bullshit – that much we know is true. And if there’s one thing that helps us get through it all (pseudo) alive, it’s a kick ass sense of humour (and coffee, ok and wine, alright and sometimes a Belmont or two). But through unfiltered sarcasm, wit and laughter, all those not-so-glamourous moments suddenly lose their seriousness and build our resilience. VIVE LE SISTERHOOD!

Here are some unedited, raw, and real excerpts plucked straight from our private RM group, to remind you that we are all, in fact, drowning in this quicksand called motherhood together (and it’s actually pretty hilarious).

* For those of you who are currently childless and would like a peek into what awaits on the other side, consider this your birth control. (Just kidding, having kids is awesome, swear.)

x RM

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Can we just talk for a minute about how annoying the hour before school is? No matter how much I love my kids for the other 23 hours of the day- I really question my life choices between 7:45-8:45 am.

The only way to get through toddlerhood is substance abuse.

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My kid’s in full crisis mode because I offered to take him for ice cream. In case anyone is wondering what hanging out with a Threenager is like.

If your toddler tells you to lay down and sleep so he can slingshot legos at you, do you catch a quick snooze?

Five year old: Mommy it’s five dot dot one three. Can I wake up?
Me: No. Go back to sleep.
Five year old: Mommy it’s five dot dot two six. Can I wake up NOW?
Me: Noooooo. Not for a longtime yet.
Five year old: Mommy it’s five dot dot two nine. Can I wake up NOOOOOOW?
And we did this until six dot dot three zero. FML.

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BOOBIES. Am I going to get them back?

Your mom almost dies blowing up a ball pit for 30 minutes & you decide using the box as a mini slide is much, much better. My mouth tastes like Made in China.

Dressing “age appropriately” – is this a thing you do, or fuck that?

Anyone want to babysit my beautiful baby tomorrow night to I can LIVE MY LIFE?

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Am I the only previously hot-bodied, now mom-bodied person who keeps and/or buys clothes based on “ohhh that’ll be so cute when I lose 5lbs'” and then it never fucking happens so I end up wearing the same shit all the time?

Stopped at the LCBO on our way home today to grab a bottle of wine. My children decided it was funny to chant “mom is drunk, mom is drunk” from the car to the cash. This may be an all time low. (… at least I have wine.)

Toddler whining is bullshit. Fucking bullshit.

Yes that’s a “nipple-pads don’t work at night time when you’re laying on your side” stain…..

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So I talked to my 8 year old daughter about periods. My girlfriend told her we’d throw her a period party when the time comes. Guys, you’ve never seen a girl so excited about bleeding. She wakes up every day and says she has cramps in hopes her period is coming.

My godson says to my son this morning, “Do you like dragons?” He responds, “Nah! They’re always taking stuff.” Oh kind of like you dragons taking my soul at 5am this morning?

Today I brought my 2.5 year old daughter with me to get a pedicure. While I was in the chair, getting my polish done, I notice she has a huge booger so I immediately pick it out and realize I don’t have tissue AND I can’t get out of the chair mid polish to throw it out, so I put it in my pocket. It’s still in there. I just remembered and thought I should share. #momlife

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Can the birds fuck off with the chirping so my son can stop wondering why it’s bed time? Get lost guys it’s 9pm.

I hate sleep training I hate sleep training I hate sleep training I hate sleep training I hate sleep training I hate sleep training.

Ladies. The day has finally come. 13 months postpartum and my baby hairs have now officially matured and joined the others as NORMAL FUCKING GROWN-UP HAIRS!! In case you’re in the thick of hair-loss hell… don’t lose hope!!

RANT: I can’t be the only one in this group that absolutely, 100%, without a doubt, loathes her sister-in-law, right? FML.

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For some reason people stare when you load 14 bottles of Vintages wine under your UppaBaby Vista with your 7 week old inside.

Tips on getting a Diva cup in (and out) without it feeling like my vag is Stretch Armstrong?

After losing it trying to deal with a very cranky/whiny (almost) 5yr old tonight: “Mom, I’m a kid and sometimes kids are just a little bit naughty. That’s just how life goes….you really shouldn’t get upset.” Wtf??? How do I even argue with that???

I don’t always put baileys in my afternoon coffee but when I do it’s because: I put the baby’s car seat (with baby inside) in the trunk instead of the stroller this moring. I’m fucking tired.

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Toddler decided to piss herself in Walmart. We quickly fled the scene. Used the stroller as a shield to quickly change her into watermelon shorts that I quickly tore down off the shelf to avoid a meltdown.

In other news, my kid is singing himself to sleep with “Applebottom Jeans “.

Leave it to our 3.5 year old for an ego boost. This was all said today.
“Mama, do you have a baby in there? Your belly is really big.”
“Mama, you really should take a bath. You’re really dirty and you can’t go to school like that” (after my 15 month old threw his cereal all over me).
“Daddy, you have stripes on your forehead. They don’t look nice”

I was going to the grocery store with my kid, and there was an LCBO right beside the grocery store. My daughter pointed and with the loudest voice said, LOOK MOM IT’S YOUR FAVOURITE STORE!

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If one was to “test out” Gravol for a pending airplane flight, how long would one expect their babe to “nap” for? Asking for a friend of a friend. 

I just sniffed a spot on my shirt to check if it was poo or Nutella.

Do I let my son who is in third week of potty training shit his pants or dump by the train tracks ? #lefthistrackonthetracks #momoftheyear

This morning a wasp flew up my dress and stung me on my back just above my underwear line as I was getting into the car so Monday, seriously try harder, you suck. Also, thank god I am working from home today because having an ice pack tucked into the back of your underwear does not scream “I am a professional lady”.

My daughter (4 years old) told me I need to “take care of that” while pointing at (what I think is a well manicured landing strip), because I’m looking like a boy.

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 My 6 year old: “I know what matters is what’s on the inside… but a little make up wouldn’t hurt.”

 Today I accidentally shoplifted a $3 bag of popcorn from Shoppers. Totally forgot I had it at the bottom of my stroller.

On the weekend I put on a bikini. My daughter pointed at my arm/armpit fat and said “Look! Mummy has four boobies!!” 

Don’t you just love waking up in a puddle of pee that isn’t yours? Happened at 6am.

My kid just puked and the dog ate it. #momwin

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My doctor said those three words yesterday: “any day now”.
I’m giving myself anxiety and hoping this hot as fuck curry shawarma I had for dinner upsets only the air and not my bedding. #notready

I am seriously regretting giving my baby asparagus for dinner last night and lunch today. So. F&$king. Rank.

RMs. Straight up. Any of you ever bleached your asshole?

My Saturday night is seriously so amazing. Currently being forced to watch “Pixels” with my 9 year old. How is this movie 2 hrs long? Who did this? There isn’t enough wine in the world and I wish I was dead.

Will my neighbour’s pot smoking make my baby stoned? Will it help him nap? Is it weird that I just tried to inhale their fumes from my window screen?

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Ummmm.. … my kid just ate about a foot of dental floss. WTF do I do?!?!

Is there a full moon tonight? Husband is full on wrestling our child, who is thrashing around like a crocodile fighting with a cobra in his mouth, out of his diaper-Into the bath-out of the bath-into clean diaper-and finally into crib. Homagod. Wtf.

My kid just ate an entire red crayon. #nowwewait

Is there such a thing as too much coconut oil? my kid smells like a piña colada.

So my 2 year old gave me the stomach flu (gotta love daycare) and I’ve been shitting alllllll day (while at work I may add). I don’t know what I can take to settle my stomach but on top of that it feels like I’m shitting glass!! Thought a warm bath would be soothing… nope.. my asshole burns with the heat of a thousand suns!!!

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My son just ordered UberEats because I let him have my phone for 30 seconds. It’s ONE $16 burger. And we’re vegetarian.

“Remember that time you wanted to crack a beer at 2:30 in the morning”- said self to self.

And then there’s the day your toddler drinks water from the toilet bowl.

Will newborn pee stain my grey couch? I tried to do a diaper change while pumping and eating pizza and watching Judge Judy and my 19 day old baby did a crazy pee that resembled a flailing fireman’s hose. I have cleaned with water and all purpose. Surely I’m not the only one with pee on my couch.

#helicopterpenis #everybodywangchungtonight #urinethisforever

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Happy Friday to all those rad moms who spent the week un-balling their husbands socks BEFORE putting them in the washing machine. WTF.

This morning while Googling if the yogurt I have is healthy enough for my baby he ate a potato chip off the floor.

My almost two year old just sharted through his pants at brunch at the Drake Commissary.

How/when to stop swaddling? I feel like Annie from Misery standing over the cot, telling him it’s good for him while he struggles.

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How was THAT for a Friday afternoon – evening – night wine pairing?!

If it wasn’t enough for you, and you need a little more laughter in your life, here are the other three editions of Real Talk.

PART ONE // PART TWO // PART THREE

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*****SHOP THE REBEL MAMA*****

One Comment Add yours

  1. mamigeno says:

    Oh god, I’m laughing my butt off here!! I have a 19 month old girl and am expecting my second baby (4 month preggo right now) and I have been alternating between all the reasons I’m freaking out about it. Hormones don’t help. But this post definetly did, so thanks!!

    Like

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