Well ladies, this is the third edition and I can easily commit to doing these for decades if our tribe continues to serve us the straight goods.
For those who don’t know, REBEL MAMA REAL TALK is a compilation of excerpts plucked right out of our community of Rebels, and is the most honest and hilarious reflection of what motherhood is really like. The day to day, the nitty gritty, the trenches.
As usual though, we make it out alive together because we have one another to lean on, whether it’s ranting about the most recent stupidity our man pulled, laughing our asses off at the unbelievable things we have to do, or drowning in a pool of tears because that Apple Mother’s Day commercial is just too damn real.
We’re just grateful to be able to lift each other up and remind one another that it ain’t perfect. And that’s perfectly fine.
We are Rebels after all. What rules?
* Disclaimer: Not for the faint of heart or childless. References to shit and vomit within. #glamlife
– 9:09pm and I just realized I forgot to wear a bra today.
– A spa day… Having time to shave your ankles in the shower. A luxury spa day… Having time to do your ankles and big toe.
– What would possess a child to stick their hand into their shitty diaper and then run around touching things? How can something so cute, also be so gross?
– When your 2.5 year old decides to be super sweet and super cute by climbing into bed with his baby brother to read him a book, you run to grab your camera. Of course he chooses the book your husband’s friend got him as a joke for having a penis that (after a series of weird and unfortunate events) was “too big” to be circumcised. At least my baby now knows, “How to live with a Huge Penis.”
– My 9mo and 3yo were in the bath. I was doing my eyeliner and hear my 3 year old keep chanting “poop head poop head, Ivy is a poop head”. I casually turn around and say “please don’t say that! It’s not nice”. Only too see she had shit in the bath and he was basting it all over her head and face.
– At night I’m just dying for my my almost 5 month old to go to sleep and stay asleep for longer than 10 seconds. Then when he does.. when it’s finally a couple of hours, I miss him and lie in bed and look at pictures of him on my phone. I zoom right into his face like a psychopath. So this is the end now of rational living I take it.
– TMI mommy moment – ran out of pads almost 2 weeks postpartum than secured a newborn diaper to my grannie panties as a temporary fix. The shit moms do lol #DIYdiaper #hellounderwearline #goodbyeleakage
– It’s official. My 15 month old is going to Montessori. Not only that, but hubby insisted she is in 3 days instead of the 2 that I wanted. I feel like I was just granted early release for good behaviour from prison. Throw stones at me I don’t care, but motherhood is mother effin difficult.
– My toddler just told me I need to relax. YOU RELAX. #arguingwithmyself
– About to bathe 2 month old and my 2.5 year old comes walking with a limp to me. I thought maybe he got hurt, but yeah right he just shit his pants. Great… put baby on my bed to shake his poop into toilet, and I hear her pooping on my bed. Which one do you rescue? It was a shitty moment.
– My 6yo was talking about her vulva but mistakenly called it her velvet which, as far as cutesy genital names goes, is adorable and I might actually adopt it for myself.
– My entire morning was spent preparing to leave. 3 shits, 1 shart, a coffee, 2 potty pees, two titty breast pumps, breakfast and 2 time outs later, we made it.
– I love my son more than anything and I’m positive that one day I will yearn for the days when he asked me to play with him but by God, if I have to play one more game of Lego Avengers on Xbox, I’m going to gauge my eyes out.
– Is it wrong that I’m hiding in the bathroom pretending to have tummy troubles so that the MR has to go and deal with a baby that refuses to got to sleep? If it is, I don’t care.
– One kid has thrush, other kid has croup… *Looks at watch* Oh, would ya look at that! It’s wine o’clock.
– In tonight’s installment of “why is my toddler crying?” – “Mom is a giant meany because she won’t let me go to sleep with a tube of toothpaste.
– Easter weekend or spring cleaning for the liquor cabinet?
– Toddler music class is awesome when you had a few too many drinks the night before. Said no one ever.
– Pregnancy hormone rant: in the span of an hour, a super nosey and over opinionated coworker gets on your nerves, you flush your locker key down the toilet at prenatal yoga, and you set up and wait around for your class in THE WRONG STUDIO. I miss wine.
– Sooo…. here I am drinking scotch and playing candy crush and I can hear my basement tenant getting the b’jebus f*cked outta her. (Side note the basement was recently soundproofed). Tell me… where did my life go wrong?
– Guys. I can’t stop eating, crying and eating. That’s all. As you were.
– When you put your kid down for a nap and he says “goodnight my love” and you wanna crumble into tiny pieces, but you don’t because you’re a grown ass woman. But then you do.
– It is NOT a nice feeling wearing a thong backwards. #tiredmom
– My son and I used the handicapped stall to pee, I went first and he pulled down his pants to “get ready” lol, and then opened the stall yelling that he couldn’t hold it. Started peeing on the wall underneath the hand dryer, with other women waiting to use the bathroom, and me, naked and helpless mid-stream screaming at him.
– Anyone else having an amazing time raising a tween? It’s like someone peeling open your heart and punching it in the face and then setting it on fire.
– My son got mad at me while I was holding a heavy door open with full hands and pulled my pants down( including underwear) outside of Global Pet Foods.
– When someone tells you you’re obviously having a girl because “all of your beauty has been sucked away.” #suckTHIS #imstillhot #peopleareassholes
– My children play “hide your hand in Mommy’s tummy”, after gleefully discovering my gelatinous midsection. Note: their hands disappear into the folds of my gut.
– Don’t get me started on all the new-age names for everything. I am fairly certain that soon a regular fork will be named a sensory device for the development of fluid motion between the plate and the child’s palate.
– RANT: I can’t be the only one in this group that absolutely, 100%, without a doubt, loathes her sister-in-law, right? FML.
– My son says ‘dick’ instead of ‘stick’. He always has one with him on walks and endlessly talks about how big it is. “Look at my big dick mommy!”
– I was at a farmer’s market last summer and had my two kids in the wagon. My younger one started crying hysterically saying her stomach hurt. We were nowhere near anywhere with a washroom and still about a 5 min walk from home. She had diarrhea in her clothes and I had no wet wipes, kleenex, nothing. Except for a whole bunch of organic kale. So I cleaned that bad boy up with $20 worth of Ontario’s finest leafy greens and pulled her home naked and screaming. Very glamorous.
Trust me, having kids is really beautiful, if you don’t mind cutting someone else’s breakfast into squares, while yours gets cold.. for ten years.
Featured Image: Michelle Pfeiffer in Scarface, 1983
All other images via Pinterest & Instagram.