There has been a lot of “Us vs. Them” rhetoric flying around of late, but I’m here to tell you that there are some universal parenting truths that no political affiliation can save you from. Like it or not, the “Us” and the “Them” actually have a whole lot in common… especially if kids are involved. Let us all unite, in a haze of exhaustion and human excrement, shall we?

1. Liberal or Conservative, when your kid starts puking, your first instinct is to use your hands to catch it.
2. Liberal or Conservative, you’ve played a game of “who can pretend to sleep for the longest” with your spouse when your kid starts yelling for you at 6am.
3. Liberal or Conservative, you’ve felt the numbing fear that results from realizing your kids have been eerily quiet for way too fucking long.
4. Liberal or Conservative, you’ve fished your kid’s shit out of a bathtub.
5. Liberal or Conservative, your curiosity has gotten the best of you and you’ve tasted your own breast milk.
6. Liberal or Conservative, your kid has asked you “but why” so many times that you’ve started to contemplate your own existence.
7. Liberal or Conservative, you’ve soldier crawled out of your sleeping infant’s bedroom (and wanted to high-five yourself when you got to the hallway!).
8. Liberal or Conservative, you’ve had Murphy’s Law kick your ass on the day you didn’t pack any spare diapers when you just had one, tiny little errand to run.
9. Liberal or Conservative, you’ve had to diffuse a tantrum in a public place; it wasn’t pretty.
10. Liberal or Conservative, you’ve used your clothing as a snot rag for boogers that didn’t even belong to you.
11. Liberal or Conservative, you’ve stood there and watched your kid sleep for so long you even creeped yourself out a little bit.
12. Liberal or Conservative, you’ve fought the urge to beat the shit out of someone else’s kid for hurting your kids’ feelings.
13. Liberal or Conservative, you’ve served bread and milk for dinner.
14. Liberal or Conservative, you have “Goodnight Moon” completely memorized.
15. Liberal or Conservative, you’ve helped, supported or encouraged another parent. Because you know how hard this shit is. And because you are kind and good and friendly and considerate. We all are. Our differences are on the surface, at the core of our beings we are the same – tired AF, a bit unsure of what we’re doing and hoping for nothing but the very best for our sweet, beloved, annoying spawn.

 

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