A NOTE TO THE (PREGNANT) DUCHESS

Dear Duchess,

Damn, girl – Mazel tov! As our favourite royal ever, we are super pumped that you have chosen to procreate with our second favourite royal ever. May you, your man, and your future offspring continue to make that whole palace cooler simply by existing within it.

We wanted to write you a little note – Toronto gals to Toronto gal – because we figure that you’re probably experiencing some next level princess pressure right now and wanted to pop in with a little reminder to just CTFD and try to enjoy this crazy ride.

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Here’s some stuff we think you ought to know about your newfound familial state:

#1 – Prince status takes a back seat to pregnant status – period. While we like to imagine that you two cuties never butt heads, we want to remind you that should you ever reach a point of contention over the coming months… you win. Why? Because you’re currently growing another human inside your body. Check mate.

#2 – You’re going to be subjected to some next level scrutiny throughout your pregnancy (and we tip our fascinators to you for enduring that shit). Luckily, you’ve probably undergone actual training on the art of smiling and nodding. That’s fucking perfect. Put that to use over the coming trimesters and remember that once those palace doors shut, you can and must do only what feels best for you and your inevitably stunning royal crew. #mixedfamiliesFTW

#3 – Birth plans are cool… but if you choose to make one, don’t get too wrapped up in it. The real plan should be this: Get the baby out safely. Anything beyond that is a bonus.

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#4 – Don’t let anyone tell you that you need to leave the hospital in high heels, ok? You’re going to be wearing an actual adult diaper when you walk out of there. Diapers and heels on the same body seems highly illogical. A pair of hot-off-the-runway sneakers and a cashmere maternity romper will suffice.

#5 – The Brits are known for being a tad uptight, so if you find yourself dying for some soft cheese and a few sips of red wine, perhaps you should suggest a royal tour of Tuscany or the South of France. They’ll shoo away your worries faster than you can say, “this is pasturized, right?”

#6 – No matter how charming he may be, your prince can’t read your mind – so help a brotha out. Tell him how you’re feeling as often as possible. Chances are he’s probably on an emotional rollercoaster right now too. Communication (especially throughout the coming year) is key.

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#7 – It might be easier said than done (especially when the whole world is reporting on your body like it’s their own damn business), but please don’t waste your time worrying about how your body will change between now and “Spring”. It will eventually return back to its original stature (or something close to it). The female form is majestic. Having said that, on the days when you feel like total shit, lean on the infinite power of a good Tom Ford lipstick and a great chapeau (2 things that you seem to have an excellent handle on already).

#8 – Oh, and don’t buy into the Hollywood scam of the perpetually horny pregnant lady. Juuust in case you don’t feel as sexy and fabulous as you look, you should know that a lowered libido is just as normal as an increased one, so if you’re not feeling libidinous ATM, fear not – your sex drive will return in due time (plus it seems like Harry’s the type to make you tea, rub your feet, and wait out the drought. #keeper).

#9 – All the material crap that you will accumulate can only help you so much. The things you REALLY need are: Your mom, your mom-friends, your mom-intuition, and diapers… omg so many diapers.

#10 – No matter what anyone says or writes about you and your soon-to-be new family, don’t get distracted. Just keep blazing your own trail through both royalty and motherhood. The rules are begging to be rewritten.

Rebel on, Dutchess.

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xx RM

 

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