Right boob, squirts like a busted fire hydrant in a Beyoncé video.  

Left boob, trickles like a warm stream of pee down a drunk girl’s leg.

 

Right nipple, meets the desired target like Robin Hood: Men in Tights, circa 1993.

Left nipple, misses target like a mom on a slip’n’slide in America’s Funniest Home Videos, circa 1993.

 

Right boob, makes enough milk to fill a Big Gulp from the 7Eleven (free refills).

Left boob, makes enough milk to fill the empty sweet and sour sauce container behind the driver’s side of my car.

 

 

Right boob, makes milk as creamy as Häagen-Dazs.

Left boob, no name vegan Sorbet.

 

Right boob, fills the bra cup like the red head from Mad Men.

Left boob, fills the bra cup like, “weird, who dropped this single lentil in my pint glass? “

 

Right boob, bounces like a Rubenesque Kangaroo.

Left boob, swings like a pair of dirty sneakers over a telephone wire on a windy day.

 

 

Right boob, feels like a warm loaf of bread fresh out of the oven.

Left boob, dough won’t even rise.

 

Right boob, makes baby hedonistic like Dionysus, God of Wine.

Left boob, makes baby a serious political activist; standing against waterboarding and other extreme measures of militant coercion tactics.

 

Right boob, best dating app profile pic.

Left boob, grade 9 school photo.

 

 

Right nipple, taut like a brand new pair of spandex, one size smaller than you normally buy.

Left nipple, wrinkly and loose like a sharpei puppy.

 

Right boob, motivated like Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Left boob, motivated like an actual sloth participating in the Tour De France.

Right boob, Gold Metal in the Olympics.

Left boob, printed out participation certificate from Staples with they teacher’s coffee stains and your name spelled wrong.

 

– This is your brain on breastfeeding –

 

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Featured Image via @structuredmag