Written by Mallika Viegas
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Motherhood is like a secret club. We may never meet in person but we understand each other on a deep and personal level. There’s a connection that forms, even between strangers, because of this experience. And this experience during a pandemic – it’s been a freaking weird one.
For me, parenting has been a venture perfectly counterbalanced by joy and loss. This should be talked about more, because we all get told how wonderful an experience having a baby is but there’s a certain loss to no longer having the life you once had. Grieving this loss doesn’t diminish the joy that you find in being a parent. But a global pandemic contributed to this mixed emotion in a big way and it began months before I became a mama.
When we went into lockdown in March 2020 I was nearing the end of my second trimester. My bump was growing, I was slowing down and I thought; this is an excellent time to work from home. Thrilled at the prospect of working from bed and avoiding packed subway lines – this whole lockdown thing seemed like pretty good timing.
But as we all now know, things weren’t as straightforward as they seemed. While people baked sourdough, and made Dalgona coffees, I nested. I ran out of nesting activities before I even entered my 3rd trimester. 600 square foot condos aren’t very forgiving.
At the time I was a casual commenter on a couple of Reddit baby bump groups, formed with thousands of other parents, all also due in June. By April, the conversations took on a similar tone, “I’m really grateful to be home, but I’m sad I’m missing…. ” Whether it be baby showers, birthing classes, hospital tours, Mother’s Days, even riding the subway. We were all growing these bellies no-one would see. Where was the glorious celebration of motherhood we were promised!?
Of course, every comment was dripping with guilt. “I’m glad I’m safe, my baby’s safe, this is such a first world problem, etc.” But they were valid grievances nonetheless. I took such comfort in reading these messages from mamas all over the world telling me it’s okay to feel sad. That this maybe once-in-a-lifetime milestone might pass by completely differently than I’d once imagined. My parents also live in Costa Rica and I didn’t know when we’d see them next. Tremendous joy and loss – I grappled with it. And hormones – my poor husband grappled with those too.
In May, our friends threw us a surprise Zoom baby shower. I didn’t want to get on the call. My face was swollen and I’d had enough of Zoom (little did I know). But the surprise shook me! It was so kind, so thoughtful, and such a solid reminder that we have the most amazing community. But when we hung up, I burst into tears. As wonderful as that was, I yearned for physical contact, I missed everyone tremendously and the dress I had got for my original baby shower remained hanging in my closet. The finality of closing the laptop screen felt so cold.
I wish there were more nuance to this, because having a baby is such a big experience and the highs you feel, there’s nothing that can compare. When we brought that baby boy home from the birth centre we were both BUZZING. We watched him sleep, we watched the dog (our first born) watch over his teeny body all day, it truly felt like our hearts would explode. And yet deep down, there was this tugging sadness that our parents were missing holding their first grandchild. That our community of friends weren’t over, lounging on our bed, giving me breastfeeding tips and nibbling baby toes. And we didn’t know if that would ever happen.
Our baby boy just turned 9-months-old. He’s truly a love I have never known. Being a parent is difficult and draining, but loving Freddie is not. He is real-life magic to me – his cheeks alone! I am fascinated by every syllable that comes out of his mouth, and he doesn’t even know what language is yet. He exhausts the living life out of me, but I miss him when he falls asleep.
My heart aches that our friends and family didn’t get to experience 2-month-old Freddie with his loudly satisfying yawns, or 3-month-old Freddie with his gleeful bath-time splashing, or 6-month-old Freddie who would pass out over his daddy’s shoulder after being fed. At 9 months, he is crawling and pulling himself up onto everything — and he just said his first word, “Mama”. And just as I had felt in May 2020, video calls still don’t cut it. With COVID vaccinations just around the corner, I take comfort in making up for lost time. I look forward to friends building sandcastles with him, tossing him in the air, grandparents playing peek-a-boo. But I’m also keenly aware that this feeling isn’t pandemic specific.
Loss and joy coexisting has been so fundamental to my experience of parenthood, that I believe it to be true of all milestones. Grieving the losses, doesn’t diminish the joy. And as a newbie, I truly can’t wait to experience it all – the ups, the downs and all the discoveries in-between. Oof, parenthood. It’s one hell of a drug.
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Mama by day, freelancer by night, Mallika dabbles in all things media and has written for such publications as Vice, Toronto Star, CBC, Fashion and The Cut. She lives in Toronto with her husband, baby and exceptionally well behaved dog, Pablo. She is a lover of books, adventure and bragging about the pre-baby sleeps she once had. You can find a curated version of her life on the ‘gram @mviegas.
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Just love your writing style, Mallika. The picture is gorgeous and your article so refreshingly honest about your experience as a first time mother.
Such a beautiful piece. I have been juggling between working and homeschooling my two kids for the past whole year and I can totally relate to the mixed emotions between guilt, blessed, frustration, joy, all in a day. To all the mamas in the world!
Loved reading every bit of your wonderful experience.
It was heart wrenching the way you brought alive the sadness of doing this alone without your village to share in the joy of Freddie’s first year.