THE VAIN BITCH’S GUIDE TO PREGNANCY

Finding out you’re pregnant is a different experience for everybody.  Some women peek down at the marinated pee stick showing 2 pink lines and leap for joy (then promptly log into Pinterest for cute ways to share the news with their hubbies and families).  Others experience a wave of anxiety that makes them thankful that they’re standing beside the toilet because they either need a place to sit or a place to puke. But notwithstanding the initial reaction, once the news of an impending baby bump starts to settle in, the vain bitch in all of us starts to ask some hard pressing questions. Those questions inevitably lead us to our best frenemy, Google.

“How much weight will I gain during pregnancy?”

“Do everybody’s ankles swell?”

“DOES EVERYBODY GET STRETCH MARKS?”

(The respective answers to which being, if you have a healthy BMI to begin with, then 25-35lbs; not necessarily; and again, not necessarily.)

I’ll be the first to admit that the vain bitch in me is very much alive and well, even 6 months into my pregnancy. My heart skips a beat at every doctor’s appointment weigh-in (even having been through a pregnancy before, gaining 1-2lbs a week still weirds me out). I totally stare at my skin in the mirror after I wash my makeup off at the end of the day and make sure no little hormone-induced blemishes have popped up, and I often compensate for feeling blah with a great hat and a bold lip (works almost every time P.S.).  I tell you this because I have a feeling you are not looking for the Baby Center’s guide to pregnancy (if you were, you wouldn’t be here!); sometimes a gal needs to know that she’s not alone in her vanity and I’m here to tell you… you, my friend are most certainly NOT alone. So here is a little list of the pro’s and con’s of pregnancy that I put together with my fellow narcissists in mind.

The Cons

The Pros

  • Your alcohol consumption will drastically decrease.
  • Your clean liver is evidenced by your glowing skin.
  • You’re probably going to put on like 30lbs during pregnancy.
  • You might lose like 40lbs after.
  • For the first few months, you won’t even look pregnant… You’ll just look like you’ve overdone it on the Mexican food.
  • You’ll realize that nobody notices weight gain of anything under 15lbs.
  • You’ll feel like you look fat.
  • You actually never look as fat as you feel – seriously.
  • You won’t be able to stay up past 10pm.
  • You will never miss out on your beautyrest.
  • Hormones can make your hair fall out post partum.
  • Hormones can make your hair thick, long and shiny AF during pregnancy.
  • Postpartum hair loss is often concentrated around the hairline.
  • Hairline hair loss can be easily disguised with a heavy fringe (BONUS: getting new ‘do might make you feel like a superstar again!)
  • You will become sensitive to smells (especially bad ones).
  • You will have the best excuses to not take the garbage out.
  • Your feet might grow a little.
  • UM, HELLO! NEW SHOES!
  • Your breasts will become sensitive as they start producing milk.
  • You will get a sneak-peek at how you’d look with implants.
  • Your vagina will be on display a lot.
  • You may feel inspired to groom.
Every pregnancy is different… you may never experience any of the Pros. Every pregnancy is different… you may never experience any of the Cons.

The best advice I can give you is not to worry too much about the changes that your body will undergo as a result of your pregnancy.  The female body is majestic – if you were in good shape pre-baby (and you didn’t just binge eat Krispy Kreme Doughnuts during pregnancy), you’ll be shocked at how quickly your body will return to it’s original shape.

Unfortunately, anything hormone related is largely out of your control, but even things like pimples and hair loss (OH THE GLAMOUR) sort themselves out in the months postpartum. And the biggest pro of all? On the days you feel like shit, tell that vain bitch in your head to pipe down because that amazing body of yours is performing a miracle in real time… It’s worth it to sit back and revel in the magic.

*Cover photo of #rebelmama to be, Arielle Chandras, via http://www.somethingnavy.com

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