Seeing as neither Nikita nor I are particularly crafty (read: zero fucks given about crafts), we’re super thankful for Rebel friends like Nikki who come through in the 11th hour to help our community of equally nonchalant Halloween participants after they’ve realized that, “Shit, it’s actually Halloween THIS weekend and I have a child now … so I’m officially required to actually CARE”.
Let’s face it, this holiday was only entertaining when it was (not-always) fondly referred to as “Slutoween” and all you had to do was look hot and party ’til dawn. Good times.
So for all the ladies in the place who just realized they’re on the verge of being a shitty mom for (purposely or accidentally) forgetting to purchase that costume when it hit the racks in early September (yeah, really) … here are some easy, lazy, and completely last minute works of art that may (or may not) give you the pass this Halloween, along with a few words of wisdom and my very own attempt at being crafty for THE. FIRST. TIME. EVER.
It actually wasn’t as horrible as I’d anticipated either.
Although next year we may just opt to hand over the project to the grandparents and get together for something much more sexy.
The following was written by Nikki Goldman
(Check her out at Seasons Family Centre)
It’s Halloween again.
You somehow forgot, either because you’ve been so sleep deprived you have no clue it’s October or you gave up caring about the fabricated holiday once it stopped being an excuse to go out and party until the wee hours of the morning.
Let’s be real, the moment you became a parent, Halloween turned into a nightmare. Your kids get tons of sugar, they’re bouncing off the walls all night and it’s a constant fight for the next few weeks about how much of their Halloween candy can be eaten: Before breakfast? After dinner? The negotiations are endless.
If you’ve just crawled out of your sleep deprived cave and realized it’s Halloween this weekend (or tonight) and your kid doesn’t have a costume, don’t worry… I got you. Effortless is what I do best.
AGE 0-2.5 YEARS
Lucky for you, these guys don’t actually have a clue what Halloween is yet. The wee ones are super adorable in costumes and if its your first babe and first Halloween, you’ve likely invested in a mini unicorn outfit and probably snapped a hundred pics by now. If you’re on your second, third or fourth child and legit forgot, then read below:
The Costume: Bag of Gumballs / Jelli Bellies
The Materials: Balloons and a large transparent plastic bag. Recycling works.
Step 1) Have a glass of wine because this will be easy to pair it with.
Step 2) Blow up some balloons, 7 maybe… 8.
Step 3) Poke two holes in the bottom of the bag for your child’s legs, stick your child in said bag, fill with balloons, tie around the shoulders. Resist the urge to tie too tightly.
AGE 2.5 – 4 YEARS
Kids this age are either starting to become aware of Halloween, or have gone down the dark tunnel too soon. If your child isn’t in preschool or JK, you could easily put them to bed on the 31st, turn up the sound machine, turn off the lights in the house, pour yourself a cocktail and bail all together. If your little has been exposed to other children in school-like environments, then you’re shit out of luck, sister. Fear not, there’s still time to pull yourself together for the win. Here are a couple of ideas.
Costume Option 1: Robot (Head)
The Materials: Tin foil, a cardboard box and glue.
Step 1) Cut eye holes into the box, even though it would be funny not to.
Step 2) Decorate the box using tin foil or whatever else you find around the house. Empty toilet paper rolls, buttons, random homeware materials in the basement – they all work.
Get as creative as you want. Or don’t. It could totally pass as an Amazon Delivery Package Costume?
Costume Option 2: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle
The Materials: Aluminum Roasting Pan, Green and Brown Paint and Duct Tape.
Step 1) Paint the pan to your best ability after Google-imaging “Ninja Turtle Shell”, naturally.
Step 2) Make knapsack straps out of duct tape and fasten them onto the pan and voila! Tie on a headband and add as many details as you like for super stardom.
AGE 5+ YEARS
There’s no way your kid has let you forget that Halloween is coming – they’ve likely been mentally preparing you for weeks and reminding you of what they want to be and what all their friends are dressing up as. In the event that you STILL managed to forget, try to deviate from the plan offer up a super cool home made option. You may need to bribe with candy for this to be successful.
The Costume: A Mummy
The Materials: A roll of toilet paper. *Even better if you lift it right before your man hits the bathroom for his morning iPad session.
Steps 1, 2 & 3) Carefully unravel the toilet paper and start wrapping it around your kid. The bonus here is it’s equally as entertaining for you AND they have to move slow for added Mummy effect.
If you’re really not feelin’ the Halloween walk from house to house, just deck yourself and your spawn in all black and bust out your best nighttime makeup (Lord knows you ain’t using it) for a last minute Zombie duo to open the door and hand out candy. Or throw sunglasses, makeup, jewelry and a fur coat on your girl and tell her she’s now a bonafide celeb.
The win: YOU get to be the official controller of said candy, and Reese’s Pieces go great with alcohol.
ALEKS’ ATTEMPT AT BEING A CRAFTY PARENT:
So I rounded up a few of the very many random objects in our basement and mentally prepared myself to actually MAKE something. It’s not that I’m creatively inept; I can take a decent picture or paint a moody canvas, but I’ve never been especially crafty… Never made boondoggle bracelets with my friends in school; never made my toddler meals that resembled animal shapes.
But I got my head in the game and did it for the sake of TRM. And I am here to tell you, if I can do it, anyone can. It took 30 minutes, and at one point my inner Virgo came into play and I started to really get into making this thing proper and cool.
Confessions: We had to actually BUY a cardboard box from Staples because we own nothing. I found the number stickers at Dollerama by accident. My husband took over the duct taping after my confused (and legitimate) “Why is this duct tape so weird?” – “It’s VENT tape.” Thanks babe.
But guess who freakin’ loved the shit out of his custom made Robot Head?! THIS GUY: