HOW TO AVOID GETTING MURDERED BY YOUR BABY MAMA ON V-DAY

Valentine’s day is coming again,

Henceforth, I warn the gentlemen.

Your lady is tired and she’s gone a bit batty,

Don’t make the mistake of calling her fatty.

It’s a time made for love – I hope nobody dies,

But It’s been a year and this post still applies.

*Originally published Feb 14, 2016.

I’m really not sure that you Rebel Papas realize just how close you come to being murdered by your significant others on a regular basis. I like to believe that you all mean well, but sometimes things accidentally come out of your mouths that make you sound like stupid assholes… And who wants a stupid asshole for a Valentine? Definitely not a Rebel Mama.

Let me paint a little picture that may look hauntingly familiar to you:

You’re having a nice evening with your lady – you had a delightful dinner, kids went to sleep without protest, the NetFlix flow is on point, then BAM! You don’t know what happened, but out of nowhere (word to the wise: nothing ever happens “out of nowhere”), your wifey shuffled to the other end of the couch and instructed you not to touch her because she suddenly doesn’t feel like cuddling anymore.

You, my friend, were just a stupid asshole.

Now, the idea that you don’t know that some of the things you say makes your baby-making-partner want to go straight Jerry Springer on your ass, makes me feel a little sad, slightly perplexed, and very concerned for your well being; and while I’m not a big fan of Valentine’s Day, it would certainly be a shitty day to die, so I’m extending a virtual olive branch to my Rebel Papa homeboys. Below are a list of 14 things I would HIGHLY suggest NOT saying outloud to (or in the presence of) your baby mama if you plan on making it through today in one piece.

#1: “What have you been doing all day?”

Don’t go there. Just DO NOT fucking go there.

#2: “How come I have no clean underwear?”

This is a great question to ask if you want to start doing your own laundry again. Just be quiet and go buy new ones.

#3: “But you have the luxury of staying home with the baby”

Luxury (noun): the state of great comfort and extravagant living… I can’t even take a shit alone, dude. This ain’t no luxury.

#4: “Maternity leave is basically a year-long vacation”

LOL.

#5: “Babe – Wake up – The baby’s crying”

Just like we both have ears to hear the baby, we both have legs to go into his room and comfort him… there are pillows everywhere… now is not the time to test the angry hormonal lady.

#6: “Wow! The baby slept through the night last night, huh?”

Keep this to yourself; because it’s more than likely that YOU slept through the night because your baby mama LET YOU sleep through the night while she did the dirty work. If SHE informs you that the baby has slept through the night, THEN you may rejoice.

#7: “Man up.”

Ouch. First of all, you’ve just woken the sleeping feminist that lives inside all Rebel Mamas and she is PISSED. Strike one. Also, this is not an NBA locker room; this is the trenches of parenthood – time and place, my friend. Time and place.

#8: “You get to stay home and take naps with the baby”

Right. Naps. The cooking and cleaning fairies come while I nap.

#9: “I’m tired”

I’m sure you feel tired… but do not say those words to your woman – ESPECIALLY if you’re in the early days of parenthood (i.e. months 1-3). Her severe sleep deprivation and cracked nipples prevent her from feeling any kind of sympathy for such bullshit.

#10: “Do you miss your period?” (to a pregnant Rebel Mama)

Congratulations. You’ve just won the award for dumbest question ever asked.

#11: “I need some ‘me time’ or ‘time with the boys’”

If I were you, I would think LONG AND HARD before saying either of these things to your baby mama. If you can’t think of the last time your girl had some time alone to pamper herself of reconnect with her girlfriends then do not fucking go there.

#12: “So… do you think tonight we could… you know”

If you have to ask, the answer is no. (Once again, this is especially true during months 1-3 when sleep is sparse, boobies are sore, and vaginas still have the memory of what emerged from them.)

#13: “I can’t wait till you can’t play the ‘pregnancy card’ anymore”

Yeah man. I also can’t wait until nobody is leeching my nutrients, making me gain 1lb per week, loosening my joints, making my gassy, giving me heartburn, kicking me in the ribs, punching me in the bladder and somehow making standing, sitting AND laying down uncomfortable.

#14: “You look tired”

NOOOOOOO! DON’T SAY IT OUT LOUD! When you want to say this, just switch it out with “you look beautiful” – that way you get to keep your balls.

And on that note… Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! Hope to see you all tomorrow.

(P.S. We wouldn’t ACTUALLY kill you. Who would shovel the snow?)

“Anti Love Hearts” photos by Toronto creative/still life photographer, Jason Simmons a.k.a. Running Dive. Be sure to check out his Instagram and follow him on Twitter!