Pre-COVID, working parents had long been craving extra quality bonding time with our families and well, you know what they say: be careful what you wish for! We have now had 45 days and counting of “bonding” time with our beloved families and that can spawn some real “big” emotions for the entire broad.
Here are some tips on how to keep your well-intentioned bonding (read: quarantine) time from going awry and how to minimize the emotional turbulence that may arise in your household through consciousness and connection.
Wee little ones (age 2-7)
Younger children live in the moment and there is profound beauty in that. It can, however, prove to be quite frustrating to parents and caretakers who feel like parrots reminding their children over and over again that they can’t have playdates, run to the neighbour’s house, or climb the jungle gym at the playground because everyone is trying to keep a distance. Que the melt-down, and the parent’s desperation to rationalize and explain what’s going on to their 3-year-old.
Let me set your mind at ease. Your child is not getting it! It’s like they have amnesia that resets every few hours. For them, it’s like hearing they can’t do it for the first time (even though you’ve explained it for the umpteenth time).
Life changed almost over night and the expectation of social distancing and isolation is a concept that young children can not understand easily. So, breathe, remember they don’t have the developmental capacity, they live moment to moment. Try your best to harness some of this “living in the moment” yourself by not projecting your past or future fears and surrender to having to remind your wee ones over and over again that they can’t do what they normally do.
The beauty of this age group is that it is often easy to redirect their attention. “Darling, I know you really love climbing at the park, why don’t we bake a cake together?” The trick is to always sympathize with their feelings first and then give them a few alternative choices to pick from. Drama avoided.
“We don’t plan to fail, we fail to plan”
I love this quote and find it super applicable to parenting young kids. Instead of losing your mind that your child just picked up a half-eaten lollipop from the floor on your walk around the block. Prepare in advance to expect the unexpected. Toddlers touch everything; they are tactile and enjoy discovering and exploring. So, carry wipes / hand sanitizers / anything else you can scrub your child down with so you don’t lose your mind. The key here is to not freak out, but rather calmly address the situation in a loving and relaxed manner. Panic in you can create anxiety in your child, so channel your inner Meryl Streep and at least act chill in the moment – you can fall back on your coping mechanism post-bedtime. 😉
Pre-teens (age 8-12)
This beautiful age group is full of life and curiosity. Maturity levels vary from child to child. How much you should share about Covid-19 really depends on your kid. Listen to them, answer their questions accordingly without going overboard. Your pre-teen may internalize much of what they see and hear as they aren’t yet good communicators. Their fears and worries may not be easy for them to talk about and so instead they can be moody or answer back. Our combative pre teen is usually telling us something, but their irrational behaviour can often send adults into similar tantrums. Instead pause, witness, and really dig for the real underlying emotion that is being played out. Ask yourself, “Is my chid lonely, bored, feeling left out, scared, worried?”
They may ask hard questions. If they ask about people dying, explain that although some people are dying, the majority are getting through it. Focus on positive rather than the negative. Routine helps them feel safe as they can see that although some things have changed (like no school), life still has a rhythm that is somewhat familiar. Set up a time-table together and use this routine to add some “normal” to life in quarantine.
Encourage them to talk about their feelings by asking them point blank: “how does that make you feel”. Set some time aside (even 15 minutes a day with each of your kids) to check in and see how they are doing; bed time or dinner time present good opportunities for conversations like these. Talk about the positive impact this global pause has on the environment or the nice things people are doing for others. You can write a list of positive things you can do for others.
If your pre-teen isn’t sharing their anxieties, you can ask them to role play. Role playing is a valuable way to uncover their feelings. Have your child act like a reporter or a scientist and see what kind of information comes up and how they present. Doing this exercise can give you a clearer insight into what they know and how they are feeling about it, not to mention that it is wonderfully therapeutic.
Keep spirits up by playing music at home and keeping active. Heck, do a Tik Tok or Snap Chat with them (are we cool yet?), be silly and tap into your inner-child. Take this opportunity to really connect with your beautiful children.
Teenagers (a friendly reminder)
Ah the wonderful teenage years – you are expected to act like an adult, yet physiologically aren’t there yet. Teenagers are not adults; they aren’t built like adults and they can’t rationalize like adults. They are care-free and naïve and they need to learn on their own terms. You cannot bestow all your wisdom on them. So, don’t continually nag your teen under the “it’s for your own good” guise or bore them with all the “when I was your age” drama. They don’t care, nor do they understand the true value of your advice. Wisdom comes with one’s own experience and sometimes we have to fall flat on our faces to learn the lesson. That’s ok!
We think we know teens but we really don’t know their reality. Teens today are exposed to so much information whether it be social media, the internet, television or even the radio in the car. We did not grow up like this and it’s an enormous burden on our teens to manage through all the social pressures that this information age brings. So why am I reminding you of this? Because your teen will need to stay connected to their friends (all day long). It’s the way of it. Breathe, pour a glass of wine, bitch about it to your mom or your mom friends. Whatever you do, know that it’s not just your teenager.
What you can do is check in with your teens often and practice listening. Find out what they already know about this pandemic and give clarity where needed. Teens can feel lost and confused in quarantine so they require compassion and understanding from parents in times like these. Sleep, healthy eating habits and keeping the brain working are fundamental for teens. This does not, however, mean you have to nag them about school work and cleaning up after themselves constantly. Keep in mind that it’s natural for teenagers to be moody and appear lazy as they are hormonal and their brains are wired for exactly this behaviour. Try to listen without judgement and show them you care about them and their well being by being PRESENT. You may think your teen has tuned you out but let me assure you, they are always watching. Now is a good time to model the behaviour you wish them to harness.
Fellow mamas and papas – We are living in weird times. Remember to connect before you correct! Connection is at the core of us all. We all want to be seen, understood and belong. Let love, understanding and compassion fill your days ahead.
You’ve got this.
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This post was written by Rommy Misura – a conscious parenting coach from Toronto, Canada. She is a mama of three with a career background in highschool education and a passion for helping parents forge deeper connections with their kids. You can get in touch with her directly by emailing [email protected] or following her *brand new* Instagram account @coachrommy.
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