Our Home Alone Mom Behaviour looks a lot like our Secret Single Behaviour of days past, except there’s less “trying on going-out outfits” and more “watching the Netflix shit you always lose the vote on” and “drinking scotch”.
Once a mom, left to her own devices for the night, is all caught up on Queer Eye, you’ll likely find her taking an hour-long shower, since all the other showers she’s taken lately have been interrupted by her falsely hearing babies crying while shampooing her hair. Lord knows once you’ve turned the shower off to peek your head out and listen to see if there is, in fact, a baby crying (there almost never is, BTW), the enjoyable portion of the exercise is officially over. A gal can only truly have a spa-like showering experience when she knows for sure that all the variables that could derail the relaxation are off the table / out of the house.
Once we’re steamed, scrubbed, shaved, exfoliated and chilled out AF, you can find us in the kitchen with a bottle of our favourite wine in one hand and a jar of Nutella in the other. Of course we don’t intend on consuming the entire contents of both; however, we’re definitely going to drink half the bottle and make one, single Nutella sandwich.
Why the Nutella, you ask? Because if we attempted to eat Nutella in front of our kids, we would have no choice but to share. And who wants to share their Nutella? Not you, sister. Not tonight.
Side note: Speaking of not wanting to share shit… anyone who is confused by the mom-obsession with both coffee and wine, I will demystify that for you right now: those are 2 things we absolutely never have to feel guilty for NOT sharing with our kids. They are 2 sacred things that are intended for us and us alone; therefore, we hold them in much higher regard than we do anything else.
If you leave a mom home alone, no matter how cool she is, no matter how many social invitations she’s received – first and foremost, she’s going to organize something. Whether she puts the laundry away, lines up cardboard books in size order, or finally tosses the kids’ too-small socks lingering in the sock drawer – a project must be completed.
Once she’s finished the organizational task that she’s been procrastinating on for WEEKS, she may choose to step outside and reward herself by sitting on the back porch with a freshly topped off glass of something-or-another. She will likely treat herself to some much-needed silence, or choose to listen to the profanity-filled gangster rap that she’s had to retire from in-car rotation ever since her toddler started saying “fuck” in context.
She may even choose to smoke something while she’s out there.. What she decides to light… well, depends on the girl.
She’ll eventually reach for her phone. Sure, she does that a lot anyway (even when the kids are around), but this way is so much more fun because it’s GUILT FREE PHONE USAGE. No matter what you’re doing on your phone with your kids around, you feel the mom guilt for using it. And now that you’re alone? Guilt. Gone.
(The only problem is that now your whole goddamn Insta feed is basically on vacation in Spain. Everyone is impossibly tanned and dining out, wearing gorgeous long statement earrings and you’re overcome with FOMO… but I digress)
The final bit of Home Alone Mom Behaviour might be the best part. A home alone mom is taking her clean, moderately tipsy ass to bed, niiiiiice and early. She’s crawling under the covers, maybe flicking on the TV to watch some more shit that her husband usually vetoes (Ahem, Keeping Up With the Kardashians/Say Yes To the Dress/Sisterwives), and drifting off to uninterrupted-sleep dreamland… arguably the most magical place on earth.
Featured Image: Patti Hansen, Lisa Taylor, and Beverly Johnson, 1976 by Arthur Elgort
What’s your favourite HOME ALONE MOM BEHAVIOUR? We’d love to know! Feel free to share in the comments below!