Pregnancy is no fucking joke – the constant aches and pains, the chronic digestive issues, the unfortunate lack of alcohol.
It’s miraculous but it’s also weird AF. In just 40 weeks, women are faced with a slew of new and foreign experiences; experiences that compel them to say some pretty bizarre shit. If you’ve ever known a pregnant person, or if you’ve ever been a pregnant person (power to my sistas 🙌🏼), then you have more than likely either heard or uttered some of the following statements:
1. Omg I feel so nauseated; can you get me a snack?
2. Sorry I have to cancel lunch, I booked an ultrasound at noon.
3. I hate these pants; they don’t come up nearly high enough.
4. Can you bend down and pick up that thing that is RIGHT BESIDE ME please?
5. I hate that I don’t look pregnant enough for people to give me their seat on the subway.
6. The asshole who parked in the expectant mother’s spot best be fucking pregnant or I’m going to unleash the hormones on them.
7. I’ve cried at 4 commercials today.
8. Isn’t it crazy how many people are pregnant right now?
9. Let’s steam clean these curtains; I bet they’re filthy.
10. I know I look pregnant, but I don’t look fat, right?
11. I’m starving but I’m too tired to cook.
12. Babe, can you rub my feet?
13. *breathes audibly*
14. OMG is there a fucking hair growing out of my chin right now?
15. Oh for fuck’s sake – I totally forgot to take my prenatal this morning.
16. No, no, I’ll do it.. it’s not like I’m pregnant or anything. *rolls eyes*
17. NO. It is NOT possible that I have to pee AGAIN…
18. Anyone have any good tricks for inducing labour?
19. OMG I’m not actually that big, am I?? *after seeing photo of herself*
20. Got any non-alcoholic beer?
21. …. Did I lock the front door?
22. How is it that ALL my shoes have either buckles or laces?
23. I can’t wait to be able to wear more than 4 outfits.
24. So, I was watching an episode of “A Baby Story”…
25. My hair looks incredible!
26. There’s no escalator???
27. I’m just going to close my eyes for one second.
28. 4 different people have seen my vagina this week and I don’t even care.
29. Get this damn baby out of me.
30. Is anyone eating that last piece of cake?
Originally published November 10, 2015.
P.S. Here are some other preggo posts for ya: How to Produce a Badass Maternity Shoot, Trimester One: The Great Hormonal Takeover, Z as in Zika, The Mythical Horny Pregnant Lady, Don’t Piss off the Preggo.
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