THE ALGORITHM NEVER SLEEPS

By Ariane Laezza

The algorithm knows I had a baby. It knows the baby doesn’t like to sleep in its bassinet. And it also knows that if it sends me targeted ads between 3 and 4 am for 101 ways to get said baby to sleep, then my desperately sleep deprived self may be more inclined to respond to the stimuli. The algorithm is all knowing. But what the algorithm doesn’t know is that I don’t like to be told what to do. Or maybe it does. Or maybe I do? Wait, what? Why is something called Baby Merlin’s Magic Sleepsuit in my cart? What kind of dark sorcery is this?!

Before I had a baby I knew that babies didn’t sleep that well sometimes despite the confusingly misleading ‘sleeps like a baby’ saying which I now believe to be a phrase designed exclusively to troll new parents. But I didn’t think they didn’t want to sleep AT ALL. Because if *I* were a baby I’d take advantage of this time and rest up, you know? But I’m not a baby. I’m a nearly 40-year-old mother of a 4-month-old who could use a few more hours of beauty sleep these days.

Ok and I KNOW that it’s not that babies don’t WANT to sleep it’s that they just need the right conditions in order to. And something about wake windows. And noise machines. And blackout curtains. And eye of newt and toe of frog. Ok those last ones are from a Shakespearean witches’ brew but everything else is what the ‘sleep experts’ rinse and repeat because content.

Do I sound annoyed? That’s because I’m tired. But not because my little one refuses to sleep flat on his back on an overpriced stiff plank (does that sound comfortable to you??). But because reading the same advice over and over from people that call themselves sleep experts exhausts me to my core. The ‘pick up put down method’? Like, how is that a method? Isn’t that just what one does when a baby cries? Pick them up? Then put them down again when calm? Then do it again if necessary? I don’t need someone to tell me that and then sign off with, “good luck mama you GOT this you are a WARRIOR goddess”. Ok, what? No I am not. I am a sludged goblin on her 2nd double Americano of the day. We’re also told hey maaaaayyyybe just let the baby CIO (for those of you that don’t know this means cry it out). Oh you can’t handle hearing them cry? What are a you? A baby?

Anyhoo I can already feel some of you DYING to comment on this post as soon as you’re done reading this, if you haven’t already. But before you write about how your blessed baby sleeps through the night, and that sleep training worked for you and that contact napping is bad or that contact napping is good or that co-sleeping is the way or that bed sharing is a menace to society, I encourage you to reconsider and instead comment with a heart emoji or something random like tagging Pedro Pascal @pascalispunk (yeah let’s do this one). Because the other thing that is exhausting is watching parents (usually moms) passive aggressively, or sometimes aggressive aggressively state their sleep success stories as a badge of honour. Yes we all want you to sleep. But these’s no need to make everyone else cry in frustration along the way.

And if you’re a sleep expert; I’m just joking.

I’d also like to note that my baby and I have found a routine and an approach to sleeping that so far is working beautifully for us. Will I share what that is? No. Why? Because what I’ve learned is that every baby is different, and that every family has different support systems in place and that what works for one family unit will not work for another.

My humble advice to new parents? Sleep, by any means necessary, sleep. OH and don’t buy anything online between 3-4 in the morning!!

Good night mama and good LUCK! You GOT this 😉

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About Ariane:

Ariane is a Toronto-based creative (and new mom) who specializes in brand strategy, production and photography. In fact, she’s been behind the lens of almost every photo you’ve ever seen of us. Ariane has played an important role on the creative side of the Rebel Mama since its earliest days and while she’s written for us before, it’s never been from the perspective of a mom: Until now!

We’ve convinced Ariane to jot down some of her nursing-haze-induced musings – just like we did nearly a decade ago – so that we can share them here in hopes that they reach some equally groggy souls, looking for camaraderie. Enjoy!

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